Wilting
by GuineaPigBarbie
Summary: So, this is my life, a childish game. Ruled by God, damned by fate. A game of love and lost." AU/Human
1. Prologue

So, this is a story that's been twirling around in my brain for some time now. Finally, I decided I just needed to let it out. Its AU/human and won't be as funny as _Follow You_, but you know I can't control my sarcasm. I also don't plan on it being that long. Ok, Ill shut up now and just let ya'll read.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Prologue

"He loves me…petal falls

He loves me not…petal falls

He loves me…petal falls

He loves me not…petal falls

Life…petal falls

Death…petal falls

Faith…petal falls

Disbelief…petal falls

I never understood that game. Actually, I understood it, but it never seemed fair.

You take a flower. Beautiful. Hopeful. Determined to bloom.

One by one, you pick it apart. Challenge it to answer questions beyond its grasp.

Then, whether he loves you or not, you still pluck a petal.

And so, in the end, what remains? Nothing, but the stigma and stem. The skeleton. The most desolate part of the flower.

And, of course, once the damage is done, it's done. No reattaching petals. No second chances.

Like I said, not very fair, but I guess the saying never was 'Life's fair'.

As for me, my first petal fell on October 3, 1991. Now, seventeen years later, I'm nothing but the stigma. Well, more like a stigma.

A blemish on the pure skin of our society.

So, this is my life, a childish game. Ruled by God, damned by fate. A game of love and lost."

I was quickly brought out of my rambling state by the clearing of a throat.

"Bella, I'm sorry but our time is up. You did great today, though. Would you like to come at the same time next week?"

I nodded slightly, and slowly rose from the leather chair that stuck to my skin. We said our goodbyes, formal and polite, as usual.

I walked into the waiting room and closed the door behind me, wishing I could shut off that part of me. Leave it in that room, leave it there to wilt.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Totally confused? I hope not. Feel free to ask questions if you do get lost. I promise to _try_ and answer.

Live long and review.


	2. Dormancy

Thanks to Birdee, they really need "World Best Beta" on a mug.

On my profile is a link the Lost by Coldplay. I suggest listening to it because it will help you understand Bella a little more, also it's a great song.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 1- Dormancy

I just got lost

Every river that I ever tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was locked

Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off

-Lost by Coldplay

One month earlier…

I got sick in the waiting room bathroom…twice.

I was physically nauseous, and emotionally annoyed.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't need to be here. I didn't have a choice.

No one had to tell me that I was going to be fired if I didn't come, but I knew that was my other option. An option that I would have gladly taken if Sallie Mae and Edfinancial weren't regulars on my answering machine.

I loathed my job. I spent nine hours a day in an eight by eight foot grey cubicle. If you ask a prisoner to describe his cell, it would sound exactly like my workspace.

"Ms. Swan, the doctor will see you now." The receptionist's voice was low and melodic. I imagined it would be what a humming bird would sound like if it could speak. _Maybe I do need to be here._

I gathered my purse and the apple I had been eating before I got sick and walked grudgingly into the large office.

It was definitely a guy's office. Large furniture. Dark wood. Everything was…hard.

There were two mammoth black leather chairs sitting side by side facing a small and cluttered desk.

The man rose from his chair behind the desk and walked towards me, hand already out in a welcoming gesture.

"Hello, Ms. Swan. How are you this afternoon?" he asked in a sincere tone.

"I haven't even sat down yet and the questions have already begun."

He chuckled softly and moved his hand showing me to one of the chairs. I sat down, making the chair squeak lightly as it took on my weight.

He moved his chair around to the front of his desk and grabbed a yellow legal pad from under a stack of files.

"So, now that you've sat down, how is your day going?"

"Good," I replied quickly, trying not to give him much of a lead to work with.

He just smiled and jotted down a few notes. I had a feeling that pad and I were not going to be friends.

"Sooo," I said, staring at the two college diplomas hanging on the wall. "What do I need to do?"

"You don't need to do anything. I'm just here to listen. You decide what you want to tell me."

I smirked. He was good.

"What if I don't want to tell you anything, can I just sit here?" I raised an eyebrow. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be that lucky.

"If you would like," my smirk grew large at his words, "but we would have to add another session later, and I have a feeling your boss wouldn't like that too much."

That popped my happy balloon real fast.

Not that I cared what my boss thought. If the devil wears Prada, then on of his minions wears Brooks Brothers. His marginally balding head always had a thin sheen of sweat, and his eyes were incapable of ever picking a destination. Breast, face, breast, face.

But, of course, he was God's gift to women.

That's why this was his fault.

He hit on me and every woman in the office, everyday for last four years.

A girl had no choice but to defend herself. He forced my hand.

The way I see it, he practically pushed the stapler down himself.

Unfortunately, the head honchos didn't feel the same way.

So, now he's off groping some intern, and I'm at Dr. Feelgood's office.

"Would you like to discuss why you are here today?" His voice was smooth and warm. It sounded like he practiced his little speech in front of his mirror in the bathroom.

"Um, my boss might have fallen on my stapler," I spoke as I exhaled a loud breath.

He continued to write, but I noticed a small smile form on his face.

"Why would he do that?" he continued.

"Good question. I propose you invite him to come next week. Great session. We done?"

He shook his head. _Damn_.

"You know this usually works better when my patients are compliant." He wasn't writing anymore. He was staring.

"Well, most of your patients choose to be here." _I guess I missed the "sign away free will here" dotted line in my contract._

"Very true, but most of patients don't staple their boss's tie to their…um…zipper."

Alright, he had me there.

"He made a comment about my breast, so I asked him if he wanted to lean down and get a better look. When he did, my hand reflexively squeezed the handle. I don't think he will ever look at a Swingline the same. Or my boobs."

I laughed when I saw the doctor cringe as I told the story.

"Are you usually this angry when men look at you?"

"First, he didn't look, he ogled. And second, men don't tend to look at me."

"That's surprising, you seem rather…charming." He looked back down at his lap and wrote down a few more notes.

_Charming? _That's not good. Its like telling your friends your date was _interesting_…aka having a sudden case the Bird Flu when your date calls to schedule the second one.

"Will I ever get to read what you are writing down?" I asked, inching forward in the chair.

"Why? I write down what you tell me, so you already know."

"I'm sure you put down a few charming side notes as well."

"A couple."

I sat in silence for a few more moments. I had already said more then I intended to.

"Are you going to tell me I have some sort of daddy issues, and that's why I wanted to castrate my boss with office supplies? What's that called, the Electra complex?"

"I don't know. Do you want to hurt your mother in order to protect your father?" I could tell by his face he was only half joking.

I scooted back, straightening my spine along the back of the chair. I made my lips form a tight line, trying to show no emotion.

I've fought this to long to break down to some complete stranger. Even if it is his job.

A job he was apparently really good at because he saw right through my ruse.

"I'm sorry," he murmured

"'s ok"

"How long has it been?"

Breathing started to become very hard. I felt as thought I was drowning in air. Every intake was like inhaling a tidal wave.

"Long time," I said, finally gaining control of my lungs.

"Would you like to tell me about it?" he said, flipping the page on his note pad.

"Nope."

I laid my head back on the neck rest and closed my eyes.

"Ms. Swan-" I cut him off.

"Bella."

"Ok. Bella, this is what I'm here for. My office is an open environment."

"Actually, you're here to tell my boss that I'm not some sort of he-woman-man-hater." I tried to smile, but the corners of my mouth never truly turned up.

"Which I would love to do, but I'm not entirely convinced of it at this moment." He chuckled.

"So what do I need to say for my doctor's excuse?" I was starting to get a little angry. _Maybe I did have a temper problem._

"The truth."

"Alright, then ask away, doc."

"Why don't you just start from the beginning?" His elbow was resting on the arm rest and his chin was sitting on his knuckles.

His stare was intense. I had a feeling that even if I didn't speak, he would know everything I was thinking.

I didn't really know what the beginning was.

My birth.

My childhood.

The beginning of the end.

"What was your first memory as a child?" He said relaxing some in his chair.

I smiled as the memory engulfed me.

"Riding with my mom to the grocery store listening to Carole King." The chorus of "Natural Woman" wafted through the room.

"Are most of your childhood memories with your mother?"

"For a while."

"Until she passed away?"

"Yes."

Why was I talking about this? I hadn't thought about my mom in years, much less spoken about her out loud.

"You loved her a lot."

I picked up my head. "Operative word there was loved."

"Will you tell me about her?" He was no longer holding his pen in his hand.

I rolled my eyes. "You don't want to know about her. You want to know why her death has me so messed up."

His silence confirmed my accusation.

I just wanted to spit out without thinking. "I was ten years old, and my father and I had just gotten home from going to buy Halloween decorations. She had promised that we would stay up late that night to carve pumpkins. I ran into her bedroom and heard music coming from the bathroom. The water was a light tent of red and the only thing out of the water was her head. I tried to shake her, but she wouldn't wake up. A couple minutes later my dad found me standing in the bathtub combing her hair back. I couldn't scream. I couldn't even breathe. For the first time in years, she looked peaceful."

I stopped in case the doctor wanted to ask me a few more questions but he was quiet. So I decided to finish.

"An ambulance came, but my dad had called a friend of mine's mom to see if she would come get me. I stayed there for a while. The funeral passed, and we moved into smaller house closer to my school. She left a note, but I've never read it. Nor do I have the desire too. She was selfish enough to leave me, and I'm selfish enough not to forgive her."

There, maybe that will make him back off some now.

"That must have been really hard growing up with just your father?" His voice sounded strained.

I scoffed. "You asked me start at the beginning, and that's what it was. Only the beginning."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Give it to me straight…the good, the bad, and the really bad.


	3. Effect

Hello, my pretties. Thank you for the wonderful words, they mean the world to me. You are marvelous. (I sound like Cruella De Ville meets the Wicked Witch of the West, great)

My super sexy beta, Birdee, thank you for letting me ramble. I shall grant you one wish, use it wisely. (If its for Rob, you have to share…ok?)

Song for the chappie is Faust ARP by Radiohead. Listen to it, now. (links on my profile) Are you listening? Good.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 2- Effect

Wakey, wakey, rise and shine

It's on again, off again, on again

Watch me fall like dominos

In pretty patterns

-Faust ARP by Radiohead

"So, how did that make you feel?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the arm rest.

"How did what make me feel? Possibly preventing my boss from procreating? Great, I saved some embryo from eventually getting its ass kicked on the four square court."

I knew that wasn't what he was asking about, but the subject of my mother was closed. I was done trying to explain that I wasn't really mad anymore and that I was over the whole thing. How do you tell someone it's hard to be angry when you couldn't feel any emotions?

"Bella," he spoke while exhaling, "do you think that was what I was referring to?"

"No, but I didn't like that question, so can I say pass or something?"

I'll admit, I've used humor as a defense mechanism my whole life. It's a lot easier to accept others laughing at you if you're the one who made the joke.

My father tried to raise me to the best of his ability. It's not his fault he didn't know how to French braid my hair, or that red leggings and a hot pink shirt were a fashion no-no.

Kids will be kids, though.

I never got in a fight, mostly because the other kids were intimidated by me. I also didn't go to a lot of slumber parties for the same reason. I was the first one in my 5th grade class to know the word "sex" and what it actually meant. Yes, it's not just gender…it's enjoyable. By junior high, I was dropping the f-bomb like it was Hiroshima.

When it came to school itself, I was an average student. I never hated school, but I wasn't one for AP classes or extra curricular activities. Cheerleading, I think not. Rah Rah Sis Boom…blah.

The only reason I survived the good ole days was Gavin. My best friend. My other half. My better half.

He moved to town at the beginning of 7th grade. We were inseparable. Our friendship played out like a movie. We were each others first kiss, and even snuck into to each other's house at night. We joked about being like Thomas and Vada in "My Girl". I never thought that would be more true.

I shook my head a few times, trying to erase the memories like an etch-a-sketch. I was able to pick up the end of the doctors statement.

"…common especially for females who lose someone so close to latch onto relationships in order to fill a void."

"How about those who avoid relationships in order to elude the inevitable?"

'What is the inevitable?" he asked, focusing on my eyes.

"The end. Every day, every story, every relationship has an ending. Doesn't matter if it ends in a beautiful full moon or happily ever after, it still ends."

"I see your point, but everything has to end, and unfortunately, we have no control over when or where that happens." He lifted one leg and crossed it, letting it rest on his other knee.

"But what if you can control it? What if you can keep yourself from experiencing everyone else's ending?"

He murmured a small "hum" and nodded his head a few times. "Seems like a lot of what ifs to me. Do you feel as though you could have controlled your mother's ending?"

"No. She was itching to leave. She died long before the day I found her in the bathroom."

"I'm confused then," he said, cocking his head slightly.

This was going to suck.

I opened my mouth before snapping it shut again. I proceeded to do this a few times before the word came out of my mouth.

"Gavin"

"Who's Gavin, Bella?" His voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"Another ending," I said matching his tone.

"Did that end like your mother's?"

"Yes and no. Is he gone? Yes. Was the feeling just as bad? No. His was…unbearable."

"Do you mind telling me what happened?"

"I guess you're not from here? Everyone in town knows what happened. What he did," I sneered.

The doctor stood up and walked behind his desk grabbing a box of tissue. He placed the small square box on the corner of my chair.

"I don't need those, but thanks," I said, picking up the box and putting it on the floor by my feet.

"You can tell me whenever you're ready," he stated, preparing his pen and notepad.

Fucking fabulous. Fresh sheet of paper for a fresh problem.

"He was my best friend. Actually, that doesn't seem like a strong enough word. He was my life. He was also my opposite. Incredibly popular. Played football and basketball. Really cute. He was even up for prom king and was my date. The night before, we were at a pre-prom party about three miles up the road from my house. Gavin had been drinking some and didn't want to face his parents, so he was going to crash on my couch. He left to bring home a couple of guys from the football team and their girlfriends while I stayed to help clean. About twenty minutes later, I caught a ride back to my house. Then I saw it. Gavin's Bronco wrapped around a telephone pole. There were two ambulances on the scene, but the empty stretchers and sheets on the ground told me everything I needed to know. Six people got into that car, and no one walked out. The worst part was no one remembers Gavin as a great friend, loving brother, hardworking son, anymore. Now he's just the kid whose fault it was for stealing away someone else's best friend, brother, or son. Sadly though, it's more my fault."

"How was it your fault? You didn't hand him the keys," he said intently.

"But I didn't stop him either. Not only that, but he was supposed to bring me home. I fought with him to let me stay."

"If you would have gone, there's a good chance you wouldn't be here right now."

"I know, but five other people would."

"Do you think maybe there was a bigger picture? Some pretext for why you had to stay?"

"Destiny, right? Aren't people destined to achieve great things? I'm thinking my destination is self destruction." I sucked in a breath hoping that maybe I could take the words back with it.

"Have you considered hurting yourself?" I could tell he was reciting the suicide prevention number in his head. I'm sure I'll get it on a business card.

"I've thought about it, never too seriously. Just when I'm sitting in the bathtub, I think about how easy it would be. But the one thing I've learned is that nothing is ever that simple."

"You know there are people-" I cut him off.

"Don't worry, I'm too much of a chicken shit to do anything."

He seemed relieved, letting his attention lax some before he started a new sting of questions.

"I'm guessing your father was your main form of support during this?"

"Yep, my father and Susanna." I said her name with an acidic tone. It was more of a reflex than anything. It's like trying to recite Vizzini's lines from _The Princess Bride _and not using a lisp. Inconceivable.

"Is she your step-mother?"

I didn't want to roll my eyes, but it's hard not to resort to the antics of a twelve year old when the discussion is of your wonderful step-mother who has a great rack and your father's heart.

"Uh huh."

"Do you two get along?"

"Yeah, I mean we don't have BFF necklaces or anything, but we're civil."

"How long have they been together?" I don't know if my ADHD was starting to set in or what, but the questions were starting to annoy me.

"Around 6 years, I think. They got married when they found out she was pregnant, and Maggie's five, so that seems right."

Maggie was one of the only good things that had come out of all the turmoil. She was cute as a button, all wide eyed and bushy tailed.

"I don't see them very often, though," I continued. "They moved to northern California when Maggie was around two. My dad would call at some point in my birthday month, and I would send Maggie letters ever now and again. They're happy, so there isn't really a need for my rays of sunshine." I laughed slight, but he didn't seem amused. Maybe his ADHD was kicking in too.

The doctor put the cap back on his pen and flipped the notepad closed. He bore into my eyes. Not searching. No, he already knew the answer to this question.

He was deliberating.

Did he want to ask to the question or not?

Did he want me to confirm the truth?

With a quiet sigh, I'm sure that was not intended for me to hear, he took a dive.

"Do you consider yourself happy, or someone who wants to achieve happiness?"

"Define happiness?" I quipped. I had played this game before.

He smiled. "Ok. A general state of merriment."

"That's where you lose me. All that kind of seems unattainable. I mean, I'm content with my life, but happiness is overrated. Once you get that high, your only option is to fall."

He puckered his lips, thinking of an answer that rivaled Plato and Locke. He had nothing.

Game, set, match!

"Well, I think we are going to have to end our session here. I really appreciate you coming by today, Bella. I hope this will not be the last time I see you." He made his way to the door, opening it and standing in the door frame.

I met him at the door before I spoke. "I'm afraid the company gave me a four session sentence, so I guess you will be seeing me in a week or two, doc."

"Edward. Please, call me Edward."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Sorry it's short but I wanted to get it and the next chapter of Follow You out before Saturday aka the second coming.

Give me an r…R! Give me an e…E! Give me an v…V! Give me an i…oh, you know the rest!


	4. Out

Thanks you again for the love. Special thanks to all the ladies at twilighted(dot)net for all of the dirty words of encouragement. Go check out their stories and vote for them at the twilight award.

As always, Birdee, you are every synonym for greatness.

Chapter song: Do Me A Favour by Arctic Monkeys. I linked in my profile. BTW, does anyone actually listen to the songs for the chapters? Just curious.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 3- Out

Curiosity becomes a heavy load

Too heavy to hold

We'll force you to be cold

-Do Me A Favour by Arctic Monkeys

EPOV

"Can I get a box of Snow Caps, a medium popcorn-"

"Large popcorn," Emmett chimed in.

I looked back at him and Rose before I continued, "Make that a large popcorn, a Coke and a Diet Coke, please." I handed the kid some cash and pushed the tub of popcorn towards Emmett and passed Rose her candy.

This had all become pretty routine by now. Just about every other Friday night, I would tag along with Emmett and Rose to go see a movie. We used to rent a movie, but I got sick of hearing noises halfway through that I thought only came from pubescent teenagers in the backseat of their dad's hatchback.

As I walked the dimly lit aisle, I heard my name being called followed by a loud whistle.

About half way up the seats was a friend of mine from college, Jasper Whitlock. We had graduated from Columbia together many moons ago. Last time I had heard from him, he was working somewhere outside of Manhattan and dating an up and coming assistant editor at some fashion magazine.

I took the steps two at time and squeezed past a few moviegoers to finally reach him.

"Hey man, How's it going? Thought you were up in New York? What brought you all the way out here?"

"Her," he said, nodding his head down to the dark hair woman sitting next to him. "Alice, this is Edward, a friend from college. Edward, this is Alice, my fiancé."

She lifted her head from her Blackberry and mouthed a small 'hi'.

I smiled back before I placed my hand on his shoulder, "So, what have you been up too?"

"Not much. Alice decided to take a job promotion to the L.A. office, and I didn't really want to live in the city, so here we are. What about you?"

"Same old thing. Work, work, and more work."

"I hear ya," he said.

Emmett and Rosalie came from behind with the bucket of butter-drenched popcorn and a half-empty box of Snow Caps.

"Rosalie!" Alice screamed when she finally looked away from her phone.

Rosalie made her way past me, pressing me firmly against the seat cushion so she could squeeze through to Alice. Within seconds they were deep in conversation. From what I could understand from the high pitched squeals of delight, Rose worked at the same magazine that Alice had just transferred to, and they had hit off right away. Emmett just looked back and forth between them, squinting his eyes every now again trying to focus on reading their lips in an effort to follow their fast-paced conversation.

I took out my wallet and grabbed one of my business cards. "I better take a seat, but here's my card. Come by the office or give me call so we can catch up."

"Will do," he replied.

I sat next to Emmett, where he was trying to hold Rose's hand to keep her from taking someone's eye out from all the sporadic hand movement. She and Alice were ranting about the upcoming issue. Unfortunately, they were talking so loud it was impossible to tune out.

"You're going to love her. She had to take a call, but she should be right back," Alice said.

My attention was pulled from their conversation when I heard a familiar voice. "Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. Ah, shit. Sorry."

Bella Swan was heading down the isle, apparently taking out a few soft drinks and nacho along the way. Her hair was pulled up into a pony-tail, and a sliver of her stomach was showing between her low rise jeans and the tight fitting Ms. Pac Man t-shirt.

She stopped in front of Rose and introduced herself. They chatted for a minute until her eyes made contact with mine. A mischievous smile overtook her face, and she excused herself.

"Hey! Small world. How do you know Alice and Jasper?" she said, sinking down in the seat next to me.

"Actually, I went to college with Jasper. I just meet Alice about five minutes ago. How do you know them?"

"I ran into Alice, literally, a few weeks back at a bookstore by my apartment. We ended up bonding over our love of cheesy romance novels." She stopped for a minute and looked me over. "It's weird to see you outside the office. I've never seen you in normal clothes. I think I picture you showering in a suit and tie."

I laughed. "Yes well, comments like that are why we visit once a week."

"Yes, well, comments like that pay for your suit and tie." Bella smiled and began to dig around in her oversized bag. I focused on the items as she scooted them around. A couple of pencils. Small appointment book. Some Kleenex. Excitement took over her face when she found what she had been hunting for. She extracted a slender tube that looked as though it was covered in red foil. After a little further investigation, I finally figured out what it was. A fruit roll-up.

She looked at me when I started to chuckle. "What? Are you going to tell me that the fact I eat like a 10 year old is because of some repressed resentment or maybe that I can't move past-"

I cut her off. "No, actually I was just trying to remember the last time I had one."

She stuffed her hand back into her purse, pulled out another treat, and tossed it on my lap. My face must have shown some disappointment.

"What is it now?"

"Can I have green?" I asked.

"Crybaby," she mumbled, then replaced the one in my hand with one covered in green foil.

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you snuck food into the movie, you don't seem like rule follower," I joked.

"That's me. A rebel without a cause." She leaned in towards me and motioned with her finger for me to come closer. When I was inches from her face, she spoke softly into my ear. "I don't listen to the dancing corn dog, either. I like to talk during the movie."

"I'll make sure to put that in your file."

I had to pull away from her quickly; being that close was distracting. The smell of candy and popcorn hung over me like a heavy blanket, but if I breathed in deeply, the scent of her lingered. Clean. Fresh. A rainstorm.

The lights lowered as the screen came to life. The previews seemed never ending, but they were a welcomed diversion none the less.

Next to me, Bella had wrapped the candy around her index finger. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she began to suck and nibble on the end.

I shifted in my seat trying to control the stiffing in my pants. Apparently, a part of me felt it deserved the same attention as that artificial fruit snack.

Focus. Nope, not on her. The movie.

She was making me uncomfortable, and there was only way I could think to fix my little problem. Unfortunately, it would be followed by a life time ban from the movie theater.

Still worth it though.

I couldn't help but look at her from time to time. The way her hair flowed from her ponytail and landed on her breast. The way her chin rested in palm of her hand while her fingers lazily tapped her check.

I couldn't understand where the want came from. The desire.

It was easier to pass off during our sessions. I had to look at her. I had to look interested. Still, she was a patient. A patient who confided in me with her deepest secrets and emotions. I was spoiled by her presence.

Seeing her once a week for the last mouth still wasn't enough to quench my insatiable thirst for her. I had never felt this way. I couldn't get enough. I didn't want to get enough. My fantasies were wrong on so many levels.

Taking her on my desk. The chair. Against the wall. Anywhere. Everywhere.

Now a new fantasy, at the movies. In a dark back corner, I would take her mouth roughly to mine to keep the moans suppressed and not attract attention, letting my tongue run along her bottom lip begging to enter, while mimicking the same action with my hand between her thighs.

Yep, pretty sure that wasn't included in the ticket price.

I had to stop thinking about it. There was still an hour and half left of the movie, and the little general was currently winning the Battle of the Bulge.

She went after her boss for hitting on her. I could only imagine what she would to do me. There were no staplers for Bella to assault me with, but I had a feeling she knew how to improvise. If you angle a harshly thrown box of Sour Patch Kids, you could do some damage.

The rest of the movie was spent with me doing my best imitation of a statue. My hands rested lazily in my lap, careful not to cause any stimulation.

I never thought the end of a movie could be more welcomed. The lights flickered back to life as the credits slowly rolled up the screen.

Rosalie and Alice continued their conversation like it hadn't just taken a two hour hiatus, while Emmett finished off the rest of his popcorn.

Bella jumped out of her seat to join the other girls as they exited the row towards the stairs and out of the theater. I heard them throwing out bar names, so I could only assume that they were planning on grabbing a drink.

Rose approached Emmett and me, wrapping her arm around his waist before she spoke. "Alice and Jasper are going to drop Bella off at her apartment and then meet us at Sidebar." She wasn't giving Emmett much of a choice to disagree. "Edward, you want to come?"

I looked past her as she went to kiss Emmett and noticed Bella and Alice talking on the edge of the parking lot.

"Actually, I need to go into the office early tomorrow morning, so I think I am going to have to take a rain check. Thanks, though." I kissed her on the forehead and nodded goodbye before making my way to the other half of the group.

"I don't believe I am going to be able to make it for drinks tonight. Rosalie said that you were going to bring Bella home but I would more than happy to do that since Sidebar is just down the street," I said, watching to see if Bella's facial expression changed. I glanced at Alice who was examining Bella as well.

"I don't want to inconvenience anyone," she replied and turned to Alice. "I'll just catch a ride with Dr. Cullen…er…Edward. My house is by his office."

She said her goodbyes to everyone before following me to my car.

The engine started with low purr, and I quickly turned my music down so that our ride wouldn't start in silence.

"Where to?" I asked.

"Take Metro to Jackson. There are a group of townhouses called The Heights. Mine is 2b."

"Easy enough."

I merged my car into traffic and headed towards our destination.

"I know you've lived here your whole life, but you never felt compelled to move?"

She laughed. "Don't you ever get sick of asking questions?"

"No, not really, but I can stop. How about we trade places then? Ask away."

"I just have one simple question. You can tell me as much or as little as you want. Tell me about yourself?" Her eyes met mine with feverish curiosity.

My head snapped back to scan to the road while harsh lights lit the car every few seconds.

"All right. I lived in South Carolina with my mom and dad until I was eighteen and able to leave for college. I was accepted to Columbia and moved to New York as soon as possible. I stayed there until I received my PhD in Psychology. Then, decided I hated the cold so the obvious choice was to head to California. Now, here I am"

She looked at me astonished.

"What?" I asked.

"You're just so…normal. I feel like I'm toxic to your gene pool or something."

I could see the wheels turning in her head. She was comparing our lives' stories.

"There is no such thing as normal," I responded.

"You feel that way because you're swimming in a sea of abnormal."

"My point exactly," I stressed. "If people were normal, I would be jobless."

She paused for a moment. "Not true, normal people just don't have to see a shrink. Hence why you don't see a shrink," she said, "and I do," she mumbled.

In my few years of practice, the one thing I had always stressed was that there was no such thing as normal or abnormal. Who is "normal" enough to decide what everyone around them is? We are all outsiders. Each one unacceptable in our way.

As I pulled into her driveway, I could tell she was still pondering over our mini session.

"I guess we will have to agree to disagree," I said as I turned the engine off. "Maybe the next time they go out to get a drink, we can finish this conversation." I knew she pick up on the hint of desperation in my tone.

She opened her car door and proceeded to get out, then leaned down into the car, "I don't know if that would be the best idea. Thanks for the ride, and I guess I'll see you next week, Dr. Cullen."

Bella closed the door and dug in her purse for her keys. I watched as she flipped the light on in the hall way and closed the front door.

I slowly drove to my house, replaying the night in my head. By the time I reached my driveway, her last two words were on repeat.

Dr. Cullen…that's never a good sign.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I know Edward might not seem all…Edward…but give him time. Trust. But if it will make you feel better, rant away.


	5. Consume

Ya'll are awesome. To make up for the long delay, I made the chapter extra long.

Birdee, my beta, thanks! If you lived closer, I would give you the other half of a BFF necklace. Thanks to Jesus and the late night Disciples for making me laugh while I wrote.

Chapter songs…yep, multiple songs. "Just A Girl"- No Doubt, "Beautiful Lie"-30 Seconds to Mars, "Make Damn Sure"- Taking Back Sunday, and "Blitzkrieg Bop"- The Ramones. I suggest listening or reading the lyrics if you've never heard the song.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 4- Consume

Michael Bolton…seriously?

Last time I checked I wasn't in an elevator in 1995.

The waiting room was quiet except for the rhythmic sounds of easy jazz and the turning of magazine pages. I was pretty sure this is what hell sounded like.

I knew I was just being cranky and coming down from a really bad caffeine high, but everything was annoying me today. The fact that my neighbor decided that three A.M. was a perfect time to have music-blasting-head-board-banging sex with his very vocal girlfriend didn't help my situation.

Maybe that was my other problem. I was fairly positive that my current track record would consider me a virgin again. It's like reverse Darwinism; you don't have a sex for a while and you become all primal and…hairy. Somewhere I heard that for every three months you go without sex, you subtract a guy from your list.

I would be at negative two.

Perfect.

I had no one to blame but my self though. I was practically a hermit. All I needed were a dozen cats and shopping cart of recyclables to fulfill my role.

These were things I could bitch about in my head or to Alice during our morning coffee, but never during my session. No, there were just some things Edward didn't need to know about.

Edward Cullen

Dr. Cullen

He could know about my pathetic past and my probable fucked-up future, but the sexless present was off limits. It was humiliating enough telling my gynecologist that I no longer needed a prescription for birth control.

That was one pity nod I could have done without.

The door to the stuffy waiting room swung open as Dr. Cullen walked briskly into the room. His tie was hanging loosely from around his neck, and the top two buttons of his shirt were undone. His hair was still slightly damp, and it looked as though he tried to dry it by rolling down all the windows in his car.

"I'll be right with you, Ms. Swan." He looked at me before making his way to the receptionist desk. "Heidi, could you just keep track of all of my messages until after Ms. Swan leaves. Thank you."

Heidi handed Dr. Cullen a file and motioned for him to fix his collar and tie. He quickly arranged the buttons, straightened his tie, and combed through his hair with his fingers. He looked like he just went from the covers of my bed to the cover of GQ.

I needed to stop that thought right there.

"I'm ready for you, Ms. Swan," Dr. Cullen said with a Colgate smile. He was being very professional, though in my head, that was not the case.

Funny how he was miraculously on my covers again.

I bit my lip a little too hard in order to bring me back to reality. This was sad, but at least I was working my way up. Lusting after my shrink was one step above flirting with the kid who worked at TCBY, though I did get a complementary scoop of Rocky Road.

I stood and walked back to my normal spot in the brightly lit office. He retrieved a pen from his desk and the small legal pad before taking his seat as well.

"So, Ms. Swan, how was your week?" he inquired.

"What's with the formality, Dr. Cullen?" I asked, ignoring his previous question. I decided that I should try and get more comfortable in the chair; it seemed like every session was getting longer and longer.

59 minutes and 42 seconds to go.

"I guess I just assumed…the other night…" he trailed off.

"You're my doctor. If I had spent as long as you did to get that title, I would legally get it added to my name. I, on the other hand, am just Bella."

"Well, that doesn't seem right. If you are going to be just Bella, than I'm going to be just Edward."

"I don't know-"

He cut me off before I could finish. "We're equal, me Edward, you Bella." He motioned between us as he said our names.

"Ok, Edward, my week was fine. All office supplies were used as the manufacturer intended."

"Looks like we are making progress then," he chuckled. "How about outside of work? Yell at the cashier at Target? Raid a little girl's lemonade stand?"

I rolled my eyes.

He retrieved a few papers out of my folder and placed them on top of the file.

"Your boss sent me an evaluation of your progress."

That caught me off guard. "He did. Please, enlighten me." He had my full-blown attention.

"Well, he said that you have improved in areas like work ethic and respect," he cocked an eyebrow at me. "There are a few issues that he was hoping we could focus a little more on, though."

"Like…"

"He mentioned resentment and sarcasm."

"Basically, I'm a bitter bitch?" I asked.

"I don't think he's saying that. He feels…I feel that there are core issues we need to address in order to properly decipher how to approach these areas."

I nodded my head. "Ok, well that's all fine and dandy, but I didn't bedazzle his groin because my mom died. I did it because he deserved it."

He scooted farther up in his chair, putting his elbows on the knees. "Therein lies in the problem. Did he really deserve it? You sought upon the realm of physical violence as an answer to an emotional infraction."

"Hold up." My voice was getting higher as the anger became more prevalent. "What I did was physical violence and what he did was an emotional infraction. What he did was sexual harassment and what I did was self defense."

"Bella, there are certain criteria an action has to meet in order for it to be considered sexual harassment. If a woman used that every time-"

"Wait, wait, wait," I interrupted. "Do you think I'm just some little girl who used that as an excuse so I could take out some pent up aggression? That's what kickboxing is for."

"I think you have a lot of problems adhering to the social formalities of which women are supposed to follow, especially those that focus on men. Yes, you are right your mother left you, but I think the bigger issue was that even though your father was there, it was almost like he had died as well. He was never really a father figure. The same thing applies with Gavin. He was supposed to be your saving grace. The proof that decent men existed."

I looked out the window onto the busy street. People walking, driving, running, carrying on their lives while mine was being examined under a microscope. Edward took my silence as an excuse to continue.

"Having positive male figures in your life helps with character building. It will help you pick attributes that you like and dislike and then you will be able to apply it in future relationships."

I couldn't help it, I was getting pissed. I had spent countless years taking care of myself. Being my own audience, cheer team, support group. I never complained, never argued. I just did it. It always seemed easier for me to do it myself then to try and get others to help.

Now, all these years later, I wasn't going to have some guy in an overpriced office tell me that I was my own worst influence.

"If you will excuse me I don't feel well. I don't think the smell of misogynism is sitting too well with my lunch."

Edward stood to say something, but I was out the door before the words could leave his mouth.

As I headed towards the ladies room, I grabbed my cell phone from purse and dialed Alice's number.

"Hello"

"Please tell me you want to go get a drink tonight?"

"I'll call Rose and see if she wants to meet up at _Sidebar_ when she gets off." Alice was so excited that the whole sentence came out as one word.

"Actually, what do you think about going to _720_ instead."

The phone was quiet.

"Who are you and what have you done with Bella?" Her tone became scary serious.

"Shut up. We haven't gone like out _out_ in a long time, so I thought it might be fun." My voice was flooded with Alice's giggles. I knew what she was thinking. "And please don't go all Dane Cook 'I just gotta dance' on me."

"I wont, if you tell me the real reason you want to go out tonight?"

"Work sucked, therapy blew, and Edward swallowed."

Her laughter became louder. "Sounds like you need to spend some quality time with my three favorite men; Jim, Jack, and Jose"

"Yea, well there are a couple more things I need a man to do besides get me drunk to be my favorite," I mumbled.

"Beggars can't be choosers," Alice sang.

"Maybe you're right."

"What is this that I am hearing, Ms. Bella 'I'd never have a one night stand' Swan?"

I just shook my head. I was never one for a one night stand. All the men I had been with I could count on my fingers and toes, which was saying a lot since Rose was having to count hers using strands of her hair. Ultimately, I guess the concept was just kind of lost on me.

The anonymity.

The randomness.

The next morning.

It was just never appealing.

Until now.

Now, it seemed empowering.

I washed my hands in the sink, balancing the phone between my shoulder and ear, and turned for the door. Maybe she was right. God knows it's been forever.

FOR-EV-ER.

I went to push the door open when I remembered Alice was still on the phone. "Fuck it. I need to get la-" I stopped mid sentence and mid step when I noticed Edward leaning up against the wall, my keys hanging on his index finger, and listening intently to my sexual dilemma. "-sik eye surgery. You're right Alice, it is bad to sleep in my contacts. I will take that into consideration. Ok, gotta go. Call you later." I hung up the phone before she could say a word.

"Nice," Edward said very condescendingly.

I snatched my keys off his finger and walked toward the stairwell. I didn't know why I was letting him get to me. There was no way he was like this with his other patients. So why was he being such a pompous ass to me?

When my feet hit the pavement, my phone vibrated in the front pocket of my purse. It was a text message from Alice.

_Lucy, you got some 'splain'n to do! WTF?_

I hit reply and punched out a quick message.

_Got caught mid-SAA introduction. Hi, my name is Bella, and I need to get laid._

A few seconds later my phone went off again.

_Hi, Bella._

I laughed and dropped the phone back into my purse. I didn't really want to tell the story until I was good and liquored up.

Getting dressed was fast and uneventful. Alice said we would meet at my place at 9:30, so I knew I needed to be dressed by 7:30 tops. She had a tendency to come over early and be all Adolf Hilfiger with my clothing choice.

I slide into my dark denim R&R jeans and a black pleated top before I heard the key turning in the lock.

"You better not have greeted me at the door because you're busy making me a drink," Alice yelled from the doorway.

"In the bedroom."

As I stood in front of my mirror, Alice bounced in the reflection wearing a strapless brown swing dress and a pout.

"What?" I ask somewhat annoyed but very amused.

"I wanted to dress you, but I guess you did…ok."

"Turn that frown upside down, grump. You're just mad that I can look fierce without your expertise."

"Puh-lease. You put together a pair of jeans and black ruffle shirt, not the spring collection for Christian Lacroix." She was trying not to smile, but I knew deep down she was a proud mama bear.

I grabbed my make-up bag. "Here. Conceal away." While she beautified me, I made my finishing touches. A little hairspray. Some jewelry. My "fuck me" boots.

_Ta-Da_

We had about twenty minutes to make it to the bar before Rose would have a fit. You could almost time her by the second she was so punctual. I hadn't known Rosalie for very long, but the one thing I did know was to never make her wait. When we pulled up she was standing outside talking on her cell phone.

"About time," Rose remarked.

I looked at the time on cell phone. "Save it. We're here now."

Apparently, our night was already looking up. We didn't have to wait in a line or push our way through a crowd to reach the bar. Alice got on her tip-toes and leaned over, getting the attention of the guy working the bar. As she ordered our drinks, Rose and I found a small table against the back wall.

"Rum and Coke for Bella, Martini for Rose, and three shots of Tequila," Alice beamed while sipping on her Long Island Ice Tea.

We sat for a few hours, recapping our day and drinking it into oblivion. In the middle of an internal debate over my tolerance level, I knew I was pretty far gone. I was giving Lindsay Lohan's blood-alcohol level a run for its money, and had definitely reached that point where I thought I was sexy, bloodshot eyes and all.

When I heard Estelle's _American Boy_, I jumped out of my barstool, nearly taking out our table and one next to us, and made a noise that sounded something like a cat getting its tail stepped on.

"We have to dance, like now," I demanded.

Alice clapped her hands together and bounced out of her seat. Rose just shook her head before folding her arms over her chest.

"Nope," she said, popping her p for extra emphasis.

Alice and I looked at each other before turning to Rose and giving our best pouty face.

She let out a small giggle. "What you two do on the dance floor when you are drunk is not dancing. Bella you jump around until your sick-"

Rosalie stopped when Alice started laughing hysterically.

"You're no better, Madame Humps-a-lot," she continued. "You're attached to Bella's leg like Paris Hilton is to that hamster she calls a dog."

"What if you come dance with us and if we embarrass you, you can leave."

"That's not an _if_ but a _when_. Not to mention, that would sound a lot more appealing had you not said that with one eye closed."

I looked at her and concentrated on making sure both my eyes were focused before I spoke. "Your lose." I grabbed Alice's hand and we pranced to the dance floor. Before we could get to the middle, Rose caught up with us.

"Alright, let's see whatcha got."

We danced for a few songs, just laughing, cutting up, and singing the lyrics out of tune. A few guys approached us, but Rosalie's glare scared them away. That's why I was caught off guard when I felt strong hand on my waist and a deep voice in my ear.

"Hey babe."

I whipped around, prepared to unleash my "Don't touch me pig" speech when I ended up squealing like one.

"JAZZY POO," I yelled, throwing my arms around his neck and giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"Well apparently I picked the right girl to dance with. Alice never greets me like that," he chuckled.

"What are you doing here? It's girls' night, you can't have Alice."

He pushed some of my now frizzy hair behind my ear. "I know. We figured you girls went to Sidebar, that's why we came here."

"Whose we?"

"Emmett, Edward, and I."

I looked behind me and saw Edward twirling Rosalie and Emmett dipping Alice. It would have been a really cute picture had I not had the sudden urge to throw up.

Gah.

Edward.

And not just Edward. Scrumptious Edward.

He was wearing a deep blue button up shirt and pair of faded blue jeans. The outfit was like mine, nothing special, but for some reason he never looked hotter.

As he danced with Rose, he kept licking his lips, which I'm almost positive was my cue for me to jump him right there. Or, that his lips were chapped. Whatever.

I normally didn't have the desire to sleep with him, but somewhere in the drunken-induced haze I wanted to do naughty, naughty things to him. All I could see were piles of ripped clothes and my boots wrapped tightly around Edward's body.

I excused myself quickly and made my way to the bathroom to regroup. What the hell was I going to do? That was a stupid question. I knew what I was going to do, but was I going to be able to live with the outcome? I fixed my eyeliner before walking out of the bathroom.

Just like earlier today, Edward was leaning against the brick wall facing the bathroom. I smiled at him and propped myself against the door frame.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, you walked into mine."

He gave me crooked smirk and pushed off of the wall. "Well, I actually had no clue you were going to be here."

"Hmm, I guess Ill let it slide this time," I said stumbling slightly towards him.

He used one hand to hold me by my elbow and the other on the small of my back. "You alright?" I nodded my head, giving my self a little headache.

Back at the bar, Emmett and Jasper were ordering drinks. Edward asked me if I wanted anything, but I was pretty sure I still had a drink, somewhere.

I freed myself from his loose hold and found the girls on the dance floor. I perked up when I saw Alice holding the rest of my delicious beverage. I sucked it down in one quick gulp.

"Sorry the boys showed up, Bella. Emmett said they would leave," stated Rose.

"No, they don't need to do that. The bar is big enough for the six of us."

"Yeah," Alice hiccupped. "They can go play by themselves. They can play with themselves for all I care."

"Well said," I added, toasting her with my empty glass.

As we kept dancing, I couldn't help but look over at the guys. Every now and again, I would hear shot glasses hit the bar and round of grunts. They really were cute. Anytime a girl looked their way, they made sure to make eye contact with their girlfriend. Even Edward brushed some girl off.

He was the reason for my staring, though. The small dimples that kissed his cheeks whenever he laughed. His hair that was all disheveled from the numerous times he ran his hand through it. His full lips that were tinted pink by the red shots they had been taking. I was pathetic. I think I could find something sexy about his big toe.

Somewhere around the fourth time I glanced over at them, I caught Edward staring at me. He gave a very fuckworthy smirk before looking away. I turned around, determined that that was going to be the last time I looked him.

The girls and I had decided that we need to leave by 1:30 if we were going to get any sleep before work the next morning. At one we got our last drink and made our final round on the dance floor.

About halfway through some song I didn't recognize and wasn't dancing on beat to, a pair of strong hand grasped my hips. I didn't want to stop or turn around and mess up Jasper's rhythm, so I just continued to move with the music.

"Slow it down a little," said a voice that was husky, smooth, and definitely not Jasper's. My keen deductive reasoning skills really came in handy when I noticed Rosalie making out with Emmett and Alice with her legs wrapped around Jasper's waist.

Edward's hands were the ones on my waist, and his words were the ones replaying in my head. I could smell the bourbon on his breath, but it wasn't stale or harsh. No, it was almost sweet, like it was mixed with some sort of cream. I wanted to taste it. To taste him.

"Push your hips into me and move with mine," he whispered closer to my ear this time.

I did what he asked, grinding my ass into his crotch before following the pattern of his hips. His hands ran up and down my side as I pressed my whole body against his. I brought my arms back, gripping the back of his hair and resting my head on his shoulder.

We were both panting and slightly sweaty, but I didn't know whether it was from the temperature of the bar or the heat that our bodies were giving off. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I just wanted to do this without material between us.

"Bella," Alice squeaked, snapping me out of my daze. "It's 1:30, we gotta go." She was holding on to Jasper while he watched her like she was desert, which was quite possibly true.

"Where's Rosalie and Emmett?" Edward asked, his two middle fingers teasing my belt loops.

Jasper laughed. "They snuck out. I have a feeling Emmett needed to relieve some pressure."

"Whose car did you ride in?" I asked Edward.

"Mine."

"Do you mind bringing me home? I mean, Jasper and Alice are going to the same place. I just figured-"

He cut me off. "That's no problem at all."

I hugged them bye and told Alice to call on her lunch break. She nodded before disappearing into the street with Jasper.

"I'm just parked around the corner," he said, motioning in the direction of the car.

The ride was short and quiet. There was a little bit of small talk, but most of the noise came from the radio.

He remembered exactly where to go, even which driveway to turn into. When he pulled up, he threw the car into park and shut off the engine. He turned in his seat to face me.

"About today," he started.

An argument was not what I wanted to do right now. Talk about a mood killer. So, I decided to do the one thing I knew would shut him up. I leaned over the center console and stuck my tongue down his throat.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Yes, I referenced Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Humphrey Bogart all in the same chapter. If that doesn't deserve a review, I don't know what does.


	6. Criminal

I have to admit this isn't my favorite chapter, but it is my longest…I think. I actually ended up rewriting half of the chapter cause, well, it sucked. Hope this is better.

Thanks for all the reviews, you make me happy when skies are grey.

Thanks to Birdee, the bestest beta evah…she also has a great spinach dip recipe if you're interested. Hit her up!

My mood music: "Justify My Love"-Madonna, "Closer"-NIN, and the song the chapter is named after "Criminal"-Fiona Apple

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 5- Criminal

It was the most annoying noise I had ever heard in my entire life, like nails on a chalkboard or a knife scraping a plate. Only this was never ending. My cell phone rang for a good five minutes before I realized what it was.

I groaned and pulled the pillow off of my face. The sun was so bright, I had to lie there squinty eyed before I could continue. I moved onto my side, freeing my arm from under my chest, and moving it around so it could gain some feeling.

I scraped my arm along the top of my night stand, pushing everything not attached onto the floor. When I finally reached the treacherous phone, I glanced at the screen, and flipped it open.

"Bella's dead, leave your eulogy after the beep. Beep."

"Good morning, sunshine," Alice sang three levels too loud.

"It was," I barked back.

"You have to be at work by 10. Getcha ass up."

I sat up slowly before throwing my legs off the bed. I could feel my headache work its way through my body as every muscle became tense. I couldn't remember much about the night before, but I knew I must have become well acquainted with my drink because I had fallen asleep in just my underwear.

"Thanks for the help last night. You let me crash in my undies," I grunted into the phone.

"Bella, I didn't bring you home last night. Edward did. I'm surprised he put undies on you."

"WHAT?" I yelled into the phone. My sudden scream must have startled something or someone in the kitchen because I heard my pots come tumbling out of the cabinet.

"Holy shit," I whispered. "Alice, what the fuck?"

"I think its more of, 'Did ya fuck?'" she replied. "Call me when you get your answer. Love you." She kissed the mouth piece of the phone before hanging up.

I threw on my blue robe at the end of my bed and scuffled into the living room. I stretched my head around the wall and saw the back of Edward fiddling with the stove.

I cleared my throat so that I wouldn't scare him, not to mention I had the worst case of cotton mouth and I didn't want to sound like a dude when I actually spoke.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

He turned around and smiled. He was dressed for work in a pair of grey slacks and a black button up shirt. My pink and green plaid apron was folded in half and tied around his waist.

"Making breakfast," he said as he flipped the omelet. He turned back around to place the skillet on the stove when he started rambling, "Did you know that there is a little Mexican market about five blocks away that sells home made tortillas?"

My face was lying flat on the cold kitchen bar. "Uh, unless they sell Advil or are connected to a Starbucks, not interested," I said, lazily pointing to myself as I spoke.

He let out a deep chuckle that caused to me to open one eye and look at him. He opened a few cabinet doors, making sure to close them quietly, before he found the coffee mugs. He poured a large cup and slid it to me.

"Bless you." I inhaled a deep breath of the fresh-brewed aroma before taking a sip. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips as the warm liquid moved down my itchy throat and relaxed my whole body. "I want to make love to this coffee, and have its unwed child."

"I'll pass that on to the Folgers guy," he laughed. He put the omelet on the plate and placed it in front me. "You know what I was wondering?"

"When your other ball was going to drop?" I asked, raising one eyebrow at him. "That apron's manly."

"You kiss your mama with that mouth?"

"Nope, but I kiss you with it, so what does that say?" The flashbacks came rushing back like the gates of hell had been opened. Drinking. Talking. Drinking. Dancing. Drinking. Kissing.

I shoveled a large bite of my breakfast into my mouth as Edward leaned forward on his elbows getting within a few inches of my ear. "Silly Bella, didn't I tell you, I know how to handle a naughty girl." He turned around swiftly, pulled off the apron, and grabbed his jacket.

My brain wasn't working fast enough to process what he just said, let alone come up with some witty comeback. I sat there, shell shocked, with a half an omelet hanging out of my gaping mouth.

He headed for the door and grabbed the knob.

"You never asked me what you were wondering," I yelled before he could leave.

"We can talk about it tonight. I'll be here around seven." Then just as quickly as I realized he was here this morning, he was gone.

I didn't finish my food or my coffee. I hopped out of my chair and made my way into the bedroom, grabbing my phone off the bed. I went to the last text received and hit reply.

_SOS. I'm screwed._

Almost as soon as I put done my phone, Rosalie's name flashed on the screen.

_That's what she said._

I growled in frustration.

_Clever. I need damage control. Edward and I are doing something tonight and I don't remember saying yes. Please find details._

I didn't worry about putting it down this time; I just held it until it vibrated.

_Shit. I'm on it._

I dropped my phone onto the floor and went into my bathroom, turned on the shower, and waited for the water to warm. As I stepped under the spray, I needed to keep my mind clear. I was already running late for work, and I don't think the excuse of "I lost track of time fantasizing about my hot shrink and I going all Discover Channel in the shower" was going to go over well with the boss.

The day passed fairly smoothly. My boss stayed away, which probably had something to do with the "I have a stapler and I'm not afraid to use it" glare I had been shooting him. I don't think he was all that disappointed, though. He had something else to occupy his time, the blond Fed-Ex girl who wore enough make up to make Boy George jealous and what I could only assume was a bandana tied around her waist.

My mind spent most of the day wandering as well. I tried to rummage through every flicker of memory I could drum up from last night to help me piece together any information about our plans tonight.

The kiss, of course, was very present in those memories. His full lips were soft and his tongue was warm against mine. The pleasure didn't last long, though. Nothing kills the mood like the hiccups.

Edward had offered to walk me inside, which I openly welcomed. I'm pretty sure I welcomed him into my kitchen, my couch, my bed.

I don't remember it getting that far though. The couch was where I drew a blank.

I had guzzled down a bottle of water in the kitchen before getting an insatiable craving for popcorn, though the unpopped bag that I found this morning in the microwave told me that I failed at hitting the start button.

The couch was comfortable, I do remember that. I felt safe curled up on the corner under the fleece blanket, listening. The steady rhythm of Edwards breath was like a lullaby while he went on to apologize about our session earlier that day. After a few "uh huhs" and "don't worry about its", I was gone, totally engulfed in a darkened abyss. My dreamless sleep was heavy and wonderful.

This morning, I awoke almost naked in my bed with puddle of drool next to my mouth and an Amy Winehouse worthy hairdo.

I needed to know more, but how do you ask a guy if you slept together? Let alone your shrink. That doesn't usually come up in our meetings.

_Yes, doctor, I do have a daddy complex that makes me sleep with men to feel loved. By the way, were you one of them?_

Nope, not going there.

The clock on my computer that never seemed to move was finally about to reach five. I had been meeting with editors all day, so I wasn't able to talk to Rose about Edward. I only had a few hours until our rendezvous, and I really didn't want to go into it blind.

I gathered my things quickly, stuffing everything into my leather satchel, and ran out of the building before I was stuck making small talk with the secretary about the new recipe for spinach dip she found.

I don't cook, I order. My take-out menus are the closest things I get a recipe book.

The sound of my heels on the brick steps never sounded so freeing. I hurried down the street to my car while scavenging through my oversized bag for my phone.

I knew I should have given Rose an opportunity to call me, but I couldn't control this anxious feeling anymore. It was like junior high all over again. Rosalie was going to wait for him to get out of gym and find out who he was taking to the Valentines Day dance.

Only the stakes were a little higher now. This wasn't a crush or a little fling. This was…something.

I wished I could describe it, but I couldn't. Hell, twenty four hours ago I hated the guy. Now, I'm fighting back a smile when I think about him.

Maybe he could prescribe me some meds for multiple personalities.

Maybe I had just been denying how I really felt.

I liked looking at him. I liked talking to him. I liked annoying him. I liked fighting with him.

That's just it…I liked him.

Shit.

It had been so long since I liked someone that I didn't even recognize the signs.

I fucking liked him.

And I think he likes me too.

I needed answers. I needed Rose.

I dialed her number quickly, but it went straight to voicemail. She probably wasn't off work yet, so I left a quick message telling her to call me back.

I made it home in record time after breaking more traffic laws than I could count. I scurried into the shower and doused myself in some Victoria's Secret body wash that I never used.

I smelt like a fruit cocktail. Just peachy.

I jumped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around me. Time was not on my side, so I quickly blow dried my hair and rummaged through my closet for something to wear.

Answering the door in my bra and panties was probably a little too forward, but at that moment that was all I could pick out. I had no clue what to wear.

My phone began to flash and beep and gyrate, and it was the most glorious sight.

Flipping it open with my chin, I used my free hand to move hangers around in my closet. Rose could be my saving fashion grace. Her mecca was Saks Fifth Avenue.

_In the name of Valentino, Gucci, Dior, and the Holy Chanel._

"I need you," I said with fake sob.

"Everyone does, hun. You need to be more specific."

So that I could hunt through my closet with both hands, I lowered my head and placed my phone between my shoulder and ear.

"What do I wear?" I was whining, but I didn't care. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Grey BCBG Tabitha trousers and your black silk tunic."

"Can't. He was wearing grey and black this morning when he left for work. What if he doesn't change? We can't match."

She giggled.

"What?"

"Bella had a boy over," she teased. "Got to see Edward go all sheet to sleek."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up. And grow up while you're at it."

"Says the girl with the She-Ra lunchbox."

Touché.

"So…" I let it trail off, hoping she would catch the hint to take over.

"You want to know if I talked to Edward?"

"Yes."

"You want to know if he told me what happened last night?"

"Yep."

"You want to know what he has planned for you tonight?"

"Uh huh."

"Sorry, can't."

I was silent. I was furious.

"What the hell, Rose?"

She sighed a little overdramatically before she spoke. "He was on to me. He knows I was just calling to interrogate for you. He did say to tell you to dress casual, though. I'm sorry. I suck."

"Well, thankfully the fate of the free world isn't depending on your super sleuthing skills."

She mumbled something, but all I heard was some mumbo-jumbo about kicking Nancy Drew's ass. "Whatever. I say blue jean skirt and tank top. Simple yet sexy."

As she made the suggestion, I grabbed my skirt and two tank tops. I was going for the layered look. Abercrombie, eat your heart out.

Rosalie prattled on while I threw on some jewelry and threw my hair up into some sort of messy, bird's nest contraption. I didn't have the heart to get off the phone with her, but I wasn't really interested in talking either. I was nervous as hell and was afraid I might upchuck the butterflies in my stomach.

"Are you even listening to me?" she asked, trying to sound aggravated.

"Yea, I heard you. Condoms. Important. Got it."

"Do you just pick like one word in every sentence I say and just run with it. I said that you need to see what kind of condoms he uses because that will tell you a lot about a guy."

I laughed. "Who needs a conversation? I'll just tell him to pass the Lifestyles."

"Run, long and fast if that's what he pulls out. Lifestyles scream, 'I just raided the condom candy bowl at the local adult super center'. Those things are like one step up from the balloons clowns use to make animals."

I laughed even harder, because her tone of voice told me she was dead serious.

"I'm serious," she said, reiterating my thoughts. "If they're extra large, he has an ego problem, or flavored means he's adventurous."

"So, if he doesn't use one at all, does that mean he's a family man?" I really needed to get off the phone and annoying her was my only option.

The dial tone never sounded so sweet.

It wasn't long before Edward was knocking on my door.

He was wearing a dark green shirt that made his eyes stand out among his sun kissed completion. He leaned along my doorframe, lifting his shirt and slightly revealing the elastic band of his boxers under his low rise jeans.

I really didn't understand why Rosalie was giving me that big spill about protection earlier until I saw Edward. He was delicious. I didn't need to be drunk to realize that. Even though, I was pretty sure I still was from the night before.

He's your doctor…with amazing sex hair.

Fuuuck.

"Are you ready to go?" he said, bringing me back to reality.

"Sure."

I followed him out to his car, and we rode to the restaurant making some small talk, mostly about the weather. You know, the kind of conversation you have with a stranger waiting in line for the bathroom.

We were off to a tremendous start.

The little sports bar we ended up at was smoky and loud. I liked it.

"I'm glad you chose this place. I prefer this to some ritzy restaurant where the waiter feels you up."

He cocked an eyebrow.

"Putting a napkin in my lap is no excuse. That's the kind of stuff that got Michael Jackson arrested."

Edward chuckled and looked back at his menu. I didn't need to look at mine. I had a feeling it all was deep fried gold.

"I wanted to apologize about last night. I mean, what I did in the car was unacceptable. And I guess if I did anything else last night too."

"You don't remember much, do you?"

I wanted to lie, pretend that I knew everything, and act like I was just testing him, but I was a horrible liar.

"Yeah, not a thing."

"Ok, well you kissed me."

I blushed.

"Then you threw up outside the door."

I grimaced.

"When I helped walk you inside, you decided to pet my face and called me scruffy."

I covered my face with my hands.

"After you fell asleep on the couch, I carried you to your room where you demanded I help you change."

I curled up into the fetal position on the booth.

"So, what brought on our dinner plans?" I murmured.

"Oh, well, that was when I was helping you change. You said that if I got to see you naked the least I could do was buy you dinner. I tried to understand the logic but you lost me when you started referring to _Pretty Woman_."

"You really didn't have to bring me to dinner."

He gave me a crooked smile that brought one to my face. "I wanted to."

"If I just went to sleep, why were you there this morning?"

Edward blushed slightly, and it was adorable. "I was kind of worried about you, so I decided to sleep on the couch. I just went home to get ready for work this morning and when I came back you were sleeping, so I thought I would make you breakfast."

"Wow, I feel like an ass. Cause, yea, I totally was one this morning."

"No you were…refreshing."

"Ah, looks like you aren't a very good liar either," I smirked and leaned across the table. "Well thank you."

He reached across the table and took my hand in his. "It was my pleasure."

We talked about anything and everything while we ate.

We had more in common than I expected. Same food. Same music. Same sarcasm.

I had a feeling I was falling a lot harder than I thought, and I was scared shitless.

But when he wasn't talking, all I wanted to do was hear his voice. And when he had to take a call, I felt like a part of me went with him.

By the time we had made it back to my apartment, I wasn't ready for the night to end.

We stood outside my door staring at each other. I was waiting for my dad to flash the porch light on and off to call me inside.

"Well Ms. Swan, I had a wonderful night. I'm really glad we got a chance to spend some time together, not in the office." He leaned forward and tried to kiss me on the cheek, but it ended up being more of the corner of my mouth.

I devoured his lips.

I really needed to work on my impulse control.

Our kiss was frantic and hungry. It was food and oxygen and sex.

Definitely sex.

I worked the lock to the door, and Edward used his back to push it open. I kicked it shut as my fingers worked their way through his hair.

He continued to walk backwards, knocking into a small table and banging his arm on the ledge of the bar.

I turned so that my back was against the wall in the living room. Our hands were everywhere. Touching. Learning. Memorizing every contour.

He pulled my arms above my head and held my wrists there with one of his hands. His other hand ran down my side until I felt him squeeze my ass gently.

He used his knee to spread my legs a little wider. The space was quickly filled with his body as he pressed against me.

I needed more.

I took my hands from his hair and started to pull his shirt over his head. He let go of my arms and began to mimic my action.

His mouth was all over my freshly exposed skin.

Kissing. Licking. Sucking.

I bit my bottom lip to suppress the moan on the tip of my tongue.

I made quick work of his jeans. They dropped to the floor but stayed wrapped around his ankles. He slid his hands under my ass and lifted me so that I could wrap my legs around his waist.

His mouth found mine again, cutting off my hectic gasp for air. The taste of his spearmint gum was cool among our fevered lips.

With his jeans still around his ankles, he shuffled towards the stairs to go to my bedroom. He was going to trip if he tried to go up the stairs and there was no way in hell I was going to let him put me down.

"Couch," I mumbled.

EPOV

I knew this was bad. We both knew this was bad. We didn't care.

_Thou shalt not screw your patient_.

I'm pretty sure that was covered in my Psychology 101 class.

But this was different. As much I thought I loved the angry, you-don't-get-me Bella that came to my office Thursday, she had nothing on the Bella I was with tonight.

She was beautiful and smart and funny and wet.

Oh God, she was wet.

Her skirt was hiked up around her hips as her legs were wrapped around my waist, pushing her into all the right places.

As I followed her demand, I made my way to the couch, adding my shoes and jeans to the trail we had running through the house. I guess that was good though. Someone could use that to find her because there was no way I was letting her go any time soon.

I laid her down on the couch and quickly got rid of her skirt.

I sat up, taking in the sight of her. Her creamy skin was a beacon of light compared to the dark brown leather under her.

One of her hands was in the front of her hair, pulling it slightly at the roots, while the other held firm to the back of the sofa.

Her breasts were moving up and down as she panted, her legs were bent at the knee, and she was rubbing her thighs together.

I ran my hand along her leg, pushing them farther apart.

As much as I wanted to feel her lips, there were so many areas of her body I had been neglecting.

I ran my hand along her bra.

_Front clasp. There is a God._

I kissed up her stomach and unhinged the barrier, springing her breasts free and revealing them to me.

I lowered my mouth, swirling my tongue over her nipple before taking it fully into my mouth.

My hand caressed her body until it found her underwear, if you could call the strip of lace that, and moved it to the side. My finger ran absentmindedly up and down her slit before slipping inside. A breath caught in her throat, and before she could release it, I added another.

"Edward," she moaned.

It was the sexiest sound.

I gently bit her nipple, tugging on it slightly.

I switched to the other one and began to suck and kiss.

My name was getting louder as the motion of my fingers increased.

"Please."

She didn't seem like the girl who needed coaching or for me to ask her what she wanted. I kept teasing, and she kept talking.

"Oh, God."

Say it.

"Please, Edward."

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies….

She put her hands on both sides of my face, lifting it from her chest and making me look at her directly in the eyes.

"Fuck me."

She didn't have to ask me twice.

I moved to the side and dropped my boxers to the floor. As I went to take my place back between her legs, she sat up and pushed m against the back rest so I was sitting as well.

I really wanted to feel her mouth around my dick, but I knew the second she did, I would be a goner.

And, well, I didn't really want to be…that guy. I actually wanted to make it to the sex part.

My head fell back and I groaned as she straddled my hips and lowered herself on me.

I wanted to watch the beautiful sight of her bouncing on my dick, but I was afraid if I did I might shoot her off of me like a bottle rocket. I kept my head back, enjoying the feeling and peeking when she would say my name.

"Oh shit, Bella. You're so tight and warm and…oh, shit."

I was already starting on my farewell speech.

I put my hands on her hips and guided her faster.

Her wall was clamping harder around me with every thrust. Her moans and gasps were becoming more of inaudible squeaks.

Her orgasm rang through her body, triggering mine soon after. We sat there in silence for a moment, catching our breaths and letting our heart rates calm.

If I smoked, this would be the time I needed a cigarette, but I was surprised how Bella's firm hold on my chest and light kisses on neck soothed every muscle in my body.

I didn't know what to say.

Thanks for the mind blowing sex, just didn't seem right.

I kissed her forehead, and the taste of her salty skin was welcoming compared to sweet flavor before.

She stood up from my grip and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the couch as well. We maneuvered through our trail of debauchery towards the stairs and her bedroom.

I knew by the smirk on her face that she had decided just how to say thanks.

And I was more than happy to oblige.

"So what are you making me for breakfast when we wake up in the morning?" she asked, looking up at me through her long lashes.

I chuckled. "Who said anything about sleep?"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Wanting…needing…waiting…for you to justify my love…


	7. Realize

I knew this was coming so I prepared myself for Condomgate '08. Nope, they didn't wear a condom. As I said in my last authors note I actually rewrote like half the chapter and that was one of the things I took out. There will be no babies or venereal diseases…that would be just mean. If the time calls for it again, I will make him wrap it up, promise.

Birdee…thanks a million for your help. Your comments always crake me up. We should go have a chit chat with Tom Benson about you becoming a commentator for the Saints…

Chapter song is on my profile!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_Stones taught me to fly  
Love, it taught me to lie  
Life, it taught me to die  
So it's not hard to fall  
When you float like a cannonball_

_-Cannonball by Damien Rice_

Chapter 6- Realize

The whole night before had been fuzzy.

A delicious array of thrashing nakedness fuzzy, but still fuzzy none the less.

I turned over, facing the direction I knew Edward was sleeping, and counted to three before opening my eyes. Unfortunately, three seconds was not long enough for me to determine whether I hoped to see him there or not.

After letting my self get to three and a quarter, I popped my eyes open quickly, only to be met by piercing green orbs.

The way my heart sped up told me that I was glad he stayed through the night. The way my mind was cussing like a sailor told me that this was a really bad idea.

I instinctively wanted to wipe the back of my hand along my mouth in order to remove any drool that might have decided to linger for a look-see at Edward, but I didn't want to draw his attention to my Hamletesque situation.

If I wiped and didn't drool, he would know I was a drooler. If I didn't wipe and there was drool, well then, I would have drool on my face.

To wipe or not to wipe? That is the question.

I wiped…and played it off as a scratch.

_Crisis averted._

"You have a little…" Edward trailed off as he ran the pad of his thumb over the corner of my mouth.

_Crisis pointed out by the really hot guy laying next you._

"I was going to wake you up an hour ago, but you looked so peaceful sleeping." His grin was wide, and I'm pretty sure his teeth gave off a CGI sparkle and a _ting_ that rivaled most Colgate commercials.

After further inspection, I noticed that his hair was perfectly disheveled, and his face was fresh and warm like it has just been splashed with water.

"You cheated," I yelled, jerking myself into a sitting position and losing my hold on the sheet that now pooled around my waist.

"Excuse me," he declared, speaking directly at my newly exposed chest.

I followed his glare down to my breast before covering them with my arm. I snapped my fingers by my face a few times to get his attention.

"Eyes up here, Sparky."

He lazily worked his tunnel vision off of my chest and found my questioning eyes.

The stupid smirk, that I either wanted to slap or lick off his face, was my ok to continue with my outburst.

"You broke like one of the cardinal rules of morning after hygiene. Getting up while I'm sleeping to make yourself prettier and less stinky than me is unacceptable."

He leaned back on his elbows and started laughing. I wasn't joking. I was now partially nude with morning breath and Bride of Frankenstein hair. He was, well, down right fuckable.

"Well I do hope that if this is a disciplinary offense, you will be one the doling out the punishment." His face went from playful to just plain lustful by the time he was moving on top of me. Before I knew it I was pinned between him and the mattress and his lips were working over mine.

"No, no, no," I screeched. I pushed on his chest so that he would get the get hint, but continued holding his shoulder so he couldn't actually move. "You taste like peppermint, and if I taste anything like I smell, it's nowhere near the peppermint family."

Edward placed tender kisses under my chin and then began to work the side of my neck. "Mmmm, you're right. You don't taste like peppermints." His kisses transformed from small pecks to fevered open-mouth, tongue-lapping kisses as he worked down my chest and over my stomach, moving the sheet down as he went.

He licked the delicate skin just below my navel and inhaled deeply. "You are far more delectable. You taste like cinnamon. Like Christmas."

_Well wrap me up and call me Vixen._

It took every muscle in my body not to shove his head down a few more inches. His breath was warm and soothing, and his deep voice vibrated and tickled my skin in all the right ways.

"I'm afraid if I stay down here any longer, I might never come up, and I promised Heidi I would be in the office forty five minutes ago."

I groaned, and he cheerfully hopped off the bed knowing good and well what he was doing to me.

I yanked the covers back over my head because watching him saunter throughout the house looking for his clothes was not going to help my situation.

I assumed he was dressing downstairs, so when his voice filled my room, I jumped. "Didn't you say something last night about having to meet Rose and Alice for breakfast?"

I untangled from my cotton cocoon and looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to shower, dress, and be across town.

"Oh, crap." I placed my feet firmly on the ground and ran them along the carpet in search for a shirt. _Nothing_. A bra? _Nada_. Two fig leaves and ball of yarn? _Zilch_.

_A makeshift sheet toga it is._

After performing a very impressive tuck and roll across the bed, in order to make sure the sheet was well placed, I got out of bed.

Edward made the corner of my bed and blocked my escape to the bathroom. "Can I call you later?"

"Uh, I don't know. That depends on if your mom lets you make calls on school nights."

He smiled. "Good thing it's not a school night."

"So, do you want me to scribble my number on your SpaceMaker or the top of your hand?"

"How about I find a way to get it on my own? It will be more fun that way."

I looked at him suspiciously. "You're just going to take it out my file at your office, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"Cheater."

"That we have already established." He kissed the tip of my nose then brushed his lips softly across mine. "Bye, Bella."

I mumbled an aggravated goodbye and began my half-ass effort to be presentable for the girls. I threw my hair into a loose ponytail since I didn't have enough time to wash it and stepped under the spray of the cold shower.

Twenty-five minutes later, I was dressed and in a cab on my way to Hub City Diner.

The place was greasy and delicious. Their double cheeseburgers and homemade string fries were to die for. Literally. It was a clogged artery on a plate.

Rose and Alice were sitting in a booth by the door totally lost in their own conversation. I slipped into the seat, and they went quiet. Alice was beaming with anticipation while Rose wore a smirk that scared that crap out of me.

"So…" Alice trailed off.

"So, are you guys hungry? I'm famished."

I made intense eye contact with the menu because it couldn't stare back and tried to distract the girls some more by bringing up the bacon verses sausage debate.

Of course, it didn't work.

"Stop stalling and spill," Rose spat.

"Yeah," Alice added. "We drove by your house this morning and saw Edward's car there."

"Wow, stalker much? Should I be worried about you guys' elevated interest in my new relationship?" I smiled widely. "Girl crush," I said two octaves higher than my normal voice while looking nonchalantly out the window.

"As if," Alice chirped.

"Totally…uh...whatever," Rose interjected.

They mumbled on for a few minutes, but my brain could not handle the 90's valley girl slang this early in the morning. The waitress came and went with our order while the girls continued to gripe about my excuse of sudden amnesia that made me forget everything that happened between 7 p.m. last night and 7 a.m. this morning.

"If you promise to shush your nush for five minutes and let me eat my short stack in peace, I'll tell you all the clothes-shedding details when I'm done."

Alice pinched her thumb and index finger together and ran it along her lips indicating that her mouth was now zipped closed. Rose just rolled her eyes and nodded.

I ate slowly making sure to chew each bite twenty times before I swallowed. It was aggravating the shit out of Rose and Alice, but I doubted they knew the Heimlich so they would be no help if I choked.

_Death by Bisquick did not seem appealing._

I savored my last bite of buttery goodness before putting my fork down on the plate and making eye contact with the girls.

"Ok, done."

Rose snickered. "You sure? There is still some syrup on the plate you can lick off, and look, there's a dollop of butter you missed." She pointed to an almost nonexistent morsel of butter floating in pool of syrup.

I ran my middle finger through the delicious concoction before bringing it to my mouth and sucking it off with a pop. My finger lingered on my lips for a moment while I grinned at Rose.

"Alright, I watched you eat your body weight in carbs, it's time to talk," Alice said.

I got my story straight in my head before speaking up. "We went to some little sports bar for dinner and then back to my apartment. The end."

"You're a crappy story teller. Give us the dirty deets or I'm calling Edward," Rose seethed.

"What do you wanna know?"

"How was he?" they both yelled at the same time.

I exhaled. "Naked cherub babies sang Hallelujah."

"Wow," they sighed in unison.

"Yea," I whispered, slouching back in my seat.

After a moment of reverence, Alice and Rose started spouting off questions like a game show.

"Is there going to be a date number two?"

"I don't know."

"What about your next session?"

"I don't know."

"Are you going to try to get in with a different doctor?"

"I don't know."

I started to feel like maybe I was the weakest link. _Goodbye_.

"Do you know anything?"

I thought about it. "Actually, no. We didn't really get a chance to talk this morning."

"Oh, yeah," Alice giggled. "I guess if someone was screwing me into utopian bliss, I wouldn't talk either." She was so loud the woman in the next booth over turned around to size me up.

"Fuck, Alice, inside voice."

"What? It's sex. We've all done it. It's not like it's a sin."

Rose started laughing. "I don't know what Sunday school you went to, but I'm pretty sure premarital sex is one of those big ones."

Alice didn't look phased. "Eh…pish posh."

"So, you think I should talk to him?"

"I don't think you have a choice, babe," Rose answered.

"Yea," I mumbled. "What do I say?"

Concern washed Alice's face as she looked at me. "We can't help you there. It all comes down to how you feel. About yourself. About him. With him."

I nodded. These were the real questions they wanted answers to. Shit, that I wanted answers to.

Wasn't this the reason I was going to see Edward in the first place? My twisted views on relationships and my sarcastic attempts to push people away.

I didn't know if I wanted a relationship with Edward, but I didn't want to push him away. He was really starting to grow on me.

To steal his own word, Edward was charming. Maybe not my Prince Charming, but a possible candidate for the role. If I had to kiss a few frogs in order to find my Prince Charming, I would be willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to make sure he was properly tested.

The thing is, as great as the physical relationship and the naked cherub rock band was, the small things were what I enjoyed.

I wanted to say something funny so I could hear him laugh or something scandalous so he would blush. I wanted to trace the contours of his face until every inch was memorized. I wanted to know if he was the cool kid in high school, or what his first pet's name was. I wanted to know what his most embarrassing moment was, and strangely, I wanted to tell him mine.

For the first time, in a long time, the thought of being myself, just the girl in a dead end job with no family and few friends, was comforting.

But, that wasn't possible.

I had spent far to many years barricading myself inside myself to come out now.

Who was I kidding; I was like one of those kids who was allergic to sunlight. If I came out now I would just break out into hives and start hyperventilating.

Then, he would leave too.

Maybe I was contagious. I didn't think bitterness and cynicism were symptoms of anything, but it's not like I've researched it all that much.

All I did know is I wouldn't want to be around someone like me. The negative. The pity. It gets old I'm sure.

Why Rose and Alice put up with me, I'll never understand. How do you ask someone that anyways?

_Since neither one of you are Catholic, I can guess that hopes of being canonized is not the reason you hang out with me, so might I inquire why?_

Nah, I couldn't say that. Then I would have to spend an hour explaining to Alice what canonization is and that I don't think the Pope would be to keen on the idea of a patron saint of fashion.

It was too late for them anyways. They had already been sucked into my twilight zone of self-loathing. Edward, on the other hand, still had a chance.

I needed to decide now, though.

Did I give into my happiness and see where things would go with Edward? Or, did I consider his future happiness and save him from myself?

When I looked at my girls, they had apparently given up on helping me with my quest to discovery via Edward and began discussing their voyage to sassiness via ankle boots.

I felt the vibration on my thigh for a few seconds before I comprehended what it was. I dug through my obnoxiously large bag for my phone, that of course was all the way that the bottom.

The screen was showing a number that wasn't programmed, though it was one I was fairly familiar with. I watched Edward's office number scroll across my phone one more time before I hit the ignore button, slid the phone into the side pocket of my purse, zipped the pocket, and snapped my purse closed.

"Who was that?" Rose asked.

"No one. It was my alarm reminding me to take my birth control."

They both nodded like bobble head dolls.

"You two up for catching a movie?" Even though there was nothing out that interested me and it was midmorning on a Saturday, I could use any excuse to be somewhere where I didn't have to answer my phone.

Their heads continued to bounce as we rose from the booth and exited the diner.

Now, if only I could find a way to take permanent residence in Screen #4 for the next couple of Thursdays.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Dolle, can we get a snow cone now? Pina colada…extra cream…two straws…


	8. Vulnerable

I plead the 5th…

As always, thanks to my beta, Birdee. If I had a King Cake, I'd give you the piece with the baby in it. Now that's love.

IMPORTANT! I wanted to write this chapter from Bella's pov but I thought it was important for ya'll to understand what Edward was thinking. Rewriting this chapter from his pov later would just be reparative so I finally found a happy medium. In parts of the story there are lyrics in **bold**. These are Edward's thoughts. The song is Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade and is on my profile.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 7- Vulnerable

Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in

Because it's cold outside, it's cold outside

Share with me the secrets that you kept in

Because it's cold inside, it's cold inside

-Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade

I had no plans of going back. Ever.

I was perfectly content to change my name and take on an alter ego. Too bad Regina Phalange and Anastasia Beaverhausen were already taken.

I would sit on park benches, all incognito and shit, while sipping my venti half-caf nonfat Mocha Valencia and peek over the rim of my Jackie O sunglasses as the world strolled past me. I would vow to use office supplies as the good Lord made them and beg said God to spare me from ever having to see Dr. Edward Cullen again.

The boss was getting relentless, though. He was determined for me to stick to my bi-monthly visits and was quite perturbed by my recent no shows. Of course Edward informed him of my skipped sessions, and of course I listed every excuse in the book, overslept, dog ate my car keys, womanly problems. Nothing scares a man more than a visit from Aunt Flow. Screw nuclear warfare in Iraq. Drop a few boxes of Playtex and let the maxi pads fly and all those guys will be shaking in their combat boots.

I tried with all my might to change to a different shrink. I batted a few eyelashes and even raised a little hell, but nothing worked. Either they had a large waiting list or a large attitude problem. It was usually in response to my hell raising, but whatever.

Three weeks, two pints of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and four paychecks spent at Starbucks later, I was sitting in the waiting room of Edward's…er…Dr. Cullen's office, flipping through a Cosmopolitan magazine. The woman next to me was peering over my shoulder as I skimmed the "75Crazy Hot Sex Moves" article.

_More power to her! At least someone should be able to put them to use._

I was surprised at how slow and quiet it seemed for a late Thursday afternoon, but maybe I was just being paranoid. I've heard of people hearing voices; maybe peopld could hear silence. Well actually, I guess that's what you'd call being deaf. Huh.

The door to Dr. Cullen's office swing open into the waiting room and hit the wall with a loud bang making me jump out of my seat. _If I wasn't already deaf, now I am_. A small kid, probably no older than ten, walked towards the woman sitting next to me and tried to pull her out of the chair. Four other kids that I hadn't noticed before put the toys they were playing with in the corner of the room back into the green basket before joining the woman as she talked to Dr. Cullen.

_Guessing she doesn't need any help in the sex moves department._

I really wanted to tap her on the shoulder and ask her what kind of birth control she used so I could write the company a concerned consumer letter, but I was really trying to work on people skills. So instead, I took the two Trojans that were hidden away in the side compartment of my brief case and dropped them into her purse that she left waiting on the chair. I think it had been well established that I wasn't going to use them. By this point, the expiration date was just mocking me.

After the woman bid an overly flirty farewell, Dr. Cullen walked to the receptionist desk to talk to Heidi.

"Ms. Swan is our last client of the evening and I know you have a busy night planned, so you can leave now if you want." His voice was smooth and warm.

"Are you sure? I told Demetri that I wasn't getting off until later so our reservation isn't until 7 o'clock."

"No. I appreciate you coming in at all. Go have a good birthday with your fiancé."

"Thanks." She logged off her computer and gathered her things from behind her station before heading out.

"If it would be better, I can come back another time. You can get a chance to go home early." I didn't realize I was talking until the words escaped my lips.

He smiled. "You finally came back, like I would let you leave. If I tried to reschedule I'm afraid you would never return."

I should have been offended or shocked that he would think such a thing, but he was completely right. So, I nodded my head, shuffled into this office, and took an all-too familiar seat in one of the leather chairs.

He was right on my heels. He closed the door and took his seat. Like always, my folder and fresh notepad were resting in his lap.

I thought there would be awkward silence, but being the career minded man he was, Dr. Cullen started the session off like normal.

"How have things been since our last meeting?"

"Meeting as in our last meeting at the office or our meeting at my house? I don't know if you could call that a meetings though. I guess technically things did 'meet'."

He sighed. "Bella, I understand that that is something that will be discussed in our session, but I hope that we can be professional and courteous when the topic does arise."

"Is that we're calling what happened, professional? They do call hookers professionals. Tell me, was that a house call or a booty call?"

I was being mean and nasty and totally in the wrong.

I ignored him when he called me. I made excuses when Rose and Alice would tell me that he asked about me. I switched to a different Blockbuster when I saw him at mine one Saturday night.

I was a horrible, horrible person and for some reason I wanted to make someone feel as horrible as I did at this moment.

"How does it feel, Dr. Cullen…"

"Why do you do that?" he asked, interrupting me. He was leaning back in his seat with his arms folded over his chest.

"Do what?"

"Call me Dr. Cullen. Every time you get aggravated with me, you call me Dr. Cullen. Why do you think you do that?"

"See we have this thing called names. It's usually something our parents give us at birth and we learn to hate it by junior high school because it rhymes with something erotic or gross and even years later it never fails that someone will scream "Hey Smelly Belly" from the front of the concession stand line while you're on a first date..." I stopped rambling and looked at him. "I lost my train of thought, what was the question again?"

He raised one eyebrow. I was jealous. I always wanted to do that. It was so delightfully evil. That must be what they learn in arch foe class.

"Right, right. The whole Dr. Cullen thing." His eyebrow was still raised, and I was still jealous. "It's your name. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have it put on your business cards."

He exhaled. He was really good at this "showing emotion without speaking" thing.

"Would you like to know why I think you say it?"

_He speaks._

"Even if I say no, I think you're going to tell me, so go for it."

"Alright." He stood and walked toward the front of this desk, sitting on the edge right in front of me. "I think it is an escape for you. Just like humor is. You would prefer to call me Dr. Cullen because when we were together I was Edward. If you call me Edward now, you have to face what happened."

"Gee Pavlov, they teach you that at that fancy school of yours?" I shook my head at the stupidity of the situation.

"And we're back to humor," he mumbled.

I jumped out of my seat. "You're right, _Edward, _I am using humor because this is a fucking joke. Me coming to see you is a joke. You thinking you can help me is a joke. This whole fucked up world we live in is a joke." I tried to take a deep calming breath before I continued. "Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow."

"True," he said looking directly at me while standing up, "but 'only the shallow know themselves'." He leaned in a little closer so that he was almost whispering in my ear. "I took a few drama and poetry classes at that fancy school of mine."

I learned into him, brushing my chest against his. I moved my arm past him and let my hand roam over the surface of his desk. I grabbed the object I desired before jumping away from him and holding it out in front of me. I rapidly clicked the stapler together twice, making it sound like the cocking of a gun.

Edward's hands immediately went into surrender mode. They were on either side of his chest, palms facing me. "Whoa, Bella. Easy."

"I'm not a horse, you ass."

"I know, I just want you to think this through before you start to get physical. Remember what happened the last time this scenario occurred."

I rolled my eyes. "How could I forget? I have you to remind me every time I come here. Do you have a contract with Swingline or something, maybe one where you get paid every time you say stapler?"

He exhaled. "Can we please try to pull back on the sarcasm so we can have this discussion like two rational adults?"

I looked around the room. "Well, all I see is a person who wants nothing more than to never have to be within a five mile radius of this building again and someone who looks like they are going to piss their pants out of fear of an office supply." I waved my arm around the room. "Nothing about this screams rational adult."

"But this can be handled in an adult manner. You have resorted to acting like a child because that's what you were when the most painful memories of your life occurred. You dealt with those as a child, so that is the simplest way to cope with obstacles now."

I could feel my arms dropping lower as he spoke. I was fuming, but it was like I could feel the emotion draining from my body. I wanted to try out some of the moves I learned in my self-defense class on him, but all I could do was stare as he slowly inched towards me.

"I'm not a child," I said through clenched teeth.

"But you are. You are a ten-year old girl in a 27 year old body. You are that girl on the playground who pushes down the boy she has a crush on because it's easier to tease him and hide your feelings then it is to show him how you feel and face the possibility of rejection."

His nose was nearly touching mine. His breath tickled the exposed skin of my neck. It smelt like Big Red gum. All cinnamon, spice, and everything nice.

"You reject the world before it can reject you. Your theory is that is better to have never loved, then to have loved and lost."

I tried to fight the anger back in my voice. "Way to go, Sherlock. You cracked the case of The Girl with No Heart. The world can sleep easier now knowing there is one less soulless creature roaming the street."

He grabbed my wrist firmly, making my breath catch in the back of my throat. "STOP!" he barked. "Stop doing this to yourself. Don't you ever get tired of acting like you don't care?"

**What makes you think that you are invincible?  
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure.  
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable.**

His eyes were soft and searching. He was digging for any emotion he could possibly grasp onto. He wanted to me tell him to let go. To yell at him. To say that I was never coming back. I could see my pain in his eyes, and I could tell he was tired of acting like he didn't care.

"I'm talking to you now not as your therapist, but as a friend. Just because you shut yourself off to the world doesn't mean the world shut you off. There are people out there who care about you. Who are willing to have a one sided relationship with you because that _is_ better than having nothing at all. Look at Alice and Rosalie and…and me."

**And it's true, I cant go on without you,  
your smile makes me see clearer.  
If you could only see in the mirror what I see.**

"Please, Edward. Please. I don't want to hear this." My voice was barely above a whisper. My eyes were closed so tight there was no way the tear forming behind my lid was going to escape.

**Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed.  
I can be anyone, anything.  
I promise I can be what you need.**

His warm palms cupped the side of my face holding my head up. The soft graze of his lips across mine made my breathing hitch. I realized I dropped the stapler as I heard it hit the floor with a thud.

Every cell of my body told me to push him away, but every beat of my heart told me to hold on tighter. I grabbed onto his arms, curling my fingers tightly around his shirt sleeves.

**And your slowly shaking finger tips  
show that you're scared like me.  
So, let's pretend we're alone.**

"Don't think. Feel," he murmured into my lips.

And I did.

I felt the slight prick of his five o'clock shadow scratch my cheek. I felt the pull of his teeth along my lower lip. I felt the uncontrollable desire to cry and grin at the same time.

I felt like kissing Edward as long and as passionately as possible.

I couldn't help but smile. He was right. I was calling him Edward again. Now, I never wanted to call him Dr. Cullen again.

Something had clicked inside me. I wasn't miraculously cured. I wasn't going to walk out of the office and start skipping or whistling, but for the first time in a long time, I wanted to be happy. Wholeheartedly happy.

I just never thought the desire to find true happiness could be so fucking scary. What would happen when I finally found it? There was no happiness plus one. There was no second tier of jubilation. It was like when you reached the top of a mountain, what do you do then? You enjoy the scenery for a moment, then go back down. Could I really go against everything I've even known for a few breaths of fresh air and pretty view?

What if, in my search for happiness, I uncovered the things I had worked so hard to bury? I had so many questions, none of which I knew would get answered tonight and many of which I actually hoped I might never.

"Bella…shhh…it's going to be ok."

When I opened my eyes, my face was digging into Edward's shoulder. As I pulled away, I noticed my tears had stained Edward's shirt making it looking like the crime scene of my past.

A large damp spot right by his collar for my mother.

Two streaks that ran parallel for Gavin.

Spastic droplets for all the people I pushed away.

And one long line that looked as though it was made of numerous tears linked together for me, because let's face it, I was just as dead and gone as the rest of them.

I looked up at his face. His eyes were full of shock and grief. I must have finally looked as ugly on the outside as I had been acting on the inside.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He smiled. "Why? Because my shirt's a little wet. That's nothing in comparison to what I thought you were going to do to me with that stapler."

I could feel my lips turning up.

Soon, his voice became frantic. "I'm so sorry. I don't know came over me. I assure you that was never my intention when I recommended you continue to visit for more sessions." He was running his hands through his hair, and all his words were jumbling together. "You're done for today. Hell, I'd understand if you never wanted to see me again. I'll write a letter to your boss immediately stating that you never need to come back."

I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled his face toward mine. "Don't think. Feel."

Our lips pressed together much harder this time, and the franticness from his voice had carried over to our kiss. Our lips melted together as his tongue swirled around mine. It was like two paintbrushes creating a beautiful masterpiece.

His warm hands joined at the nape of my neck while mine tugged bits of shirt free from the confines of his pants. Clothes were being discarded haphazardly. It wasn't a race to see who could undress the other one faster, but a race to discard that outer shell that defined us.

The doctor. The patient.

Dr. Cullen. Ms. Swan.

There was no mask, no hiding in our skin. We were free to truly feel the real person next to us.

Edward began to walk backwards to his desk, never releasing me from his grasp. He must have known his office fairly well because we didn't run into anything or stop until we reached his desk.

He released my mouth from his before he turned around and swiped his arm across his desk top. He didn't knock anything to the floor like in the movies, but he did clear enough room for me. I rolled my eyes. Jealousy flooded me again. First the eyebrow trick and now this. In under an hour he had done two things I always wanted to do.

"Sit," he directed.

I carefully sat on the desk, making sure no stray paper touched me. Desecrating his desk was one thing, but butt to folder contact was a no-no.

My legs hung idly off his desk as he took a seat in his chair between them. He was opening drawers and rummaging through them before slamming them shut. Finally, in the second to last drawer on the right side, he pulled out a small purple box. He ripped it open and grabbed a square piece of foil.

I didn't know if I should be disgusted in the fact that Edward had so much sex he needed to keep a stash of condoms in his office, or proud of the fact that he listened to his momma and left condoms everywhere for those emergency situations.

Once he was suited up and ready for battle, I decided it really didn't matter.

He positioned one of my legs on his shoulder as he turned his head and began to kiss lightly around me ankle. When he was done, he hooked my leg around his waist before giving the same treatment to the other leg.

I had already leaned back on my arms, letting my eyes drift close and my head roll back. His warm breath combined with the small nips at my tender skin was almost unbearable.

I felt the chair roll forward and my ankles lock together behind him. The palms of his hands drug along my calves, up to my knees, then along my thighs until they reached my waist. He leaned in, placing two small kisses on either side of my hip before standing in front of me. He moved over me, placing his hands directly on mine and interlocking our fingers.

I was on the verge of begging, but his lips devoured every pleading moan my mouth could form. As he took my lower lip between his teeth and bit down, he pushed inside me. I would have been knocked off balance had his hands not been holding my arms steady.

No words were spoken. We had already said everything that need to be said.

This was about so much more.

Each thrust grew harder. He wanted me to feel. To understand.

His moans of pleasure replacing the sound of my tears. The fear of never wanting this to end replacing the fear of never wanting to come to this office again.

This was happiness.

And at that moment, I knew the sound of Edward gasping for breath and the view of him above me would be worth the climb.

I lifted my head to lock my eyes with his before Edward and I went over the mountain. Together.

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Thanks for coming back and reading after my lil hiatus. Now that my other story is done, I hope to get back to weekly updates.


	9. Mistakes

I wanted to apologize for the late update and not replying to some reviews. I had a small wire hanger malfunction that had left me typing with one hand since Friday. So, my computer time was minimized. But, I'm good to go and no longer look like I'm giving everyone the Vulcan Salute.

Thanks to my beta, Birdee, I owe you a number 4 Combo with a Kool-Aid.

Chapter songs: S.O.S-The Police, Watching The Ships Roll In-The Kooks, and Creep-Radiohead.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 8- Mistakes

"You didn't?" Alice shrieked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"On his desk?"

"Uh huh." I was trying to stretch across Alice's bed so that I could put on her freshly cleaned fitted sheet, but it was hard with her and Rose sitting in the middle.

"Ewwww. Just, ewwww," Rose said, covering her mouth and making vomiting noises.

I could see Alice shiver out of the corner of my eye.

This was my first booyah moment, and they weren't going to ruin it for me. Rose and Alice liked to play a demented version of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?", only Carmen Sandiego was slang for "craziest place to do the humpty hump" and the Grand Prize, an ACME Travel Kit, was in fact, an assortment of pleasurable delights you could use on your next mission.

Alice hopped off the bed and retrieved a small bag. "Good job, recruit." She tapped my chin with her fist before handing me my prize. I recognized a few things, but the stuff with feathers and straps would have to be examined later.

"I still can't believe you did it on his desk." Rose was shaking her head back and forth. "I go visit him at work. Edward and I eat lunch at that desk."

"Well, he definitely ate something…" I trailed off.

"EWWWWWW!" they yelled together. Rose grabbed the pillow from the floor and tossed it at my head.

"You and Edward are never allowed alone in my office, ever. I don't think I want you alone in my house. When I have kids, you two are only to have supervised visits. Got it?" Alice was rambling while Rose continued to look like a cat coughing up a hairball.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. You and Jasper did it in the pool at the Holiday Inn and as for Rose and Emmett, where haven't they done it?"

"Edward's desk in his office, for one," Rose scoffed.

"Well that's refreshing, but until Alice and I christen a house of mirrors, a trailer during a hay ride, a church confessional, one of those cornfield mazes, the weight room at the Y, your little cousin's tree house, and a golf cart on the 9th hole, I think you have us beat."

She squinted her eyes and looked at the corner of the room like she was thinking really hard before shrugging her shoulders. "Meh."

"Soooo?" Alice put her hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged. "I don't know. He's Dr. Cullen, psychologist to the fucked up extraordinaire, and I am extraordinarily fucked up"

"Ok, then scratch what you think. What does Edward think?"

I shrugged again.

"Well, you want to know what I think?" Rose chimed in. "You're both fucked up in those pretty little heads of yours. You're perfect for one another. How come neither one of you can see it?"

"I think one of them can," Alice mumbled.

"What did you just say?" I walked around the bed so I was standing in front of her.

"Oh come on, Edward looks at you like you're Jim Jones. He's two steps away from drinking the Kool-Aid."

"Whatever." I pushed her shoulder, making her fall back on the bed.

Alice sat up and smirked. "Mature." She kicked her leg out from the side of the bed and dead-legged me.

"Hey!" Rose yelled. "Don't make me turn this car around." She looked between Alice and me. "Can you two play nice in public cause I want some lunch? Lets try that Greek restaurant so we can get some hummus and a feta salad."

I looked over at her and furrowed my eyebrows. "What do we look like, the Rescue Rangers? That's hamster food. We need something that was once cute and fuzzy and is now deep fried to a golden brown."

I heard Alice gasp. "That's incredibly morbid, yet oddly appetizing."

I nodded my head.

"How about that rotisserie on third," Alice added.

"I look like crap. Can we go to a restaurant that's a little less Banana Republic-y?" I asked, looking at my torn t-shirt.

"McDonalds is not a restaurant, it's a feeding trough." Alice was rummaging through her closet as she yelled over her shoulder. She pulled out a green shirt. "Your jeans are fine and you can wear this top."

I caught the shirt right before it hit me in the face and held it up for examination. "I think you grabbed this shirt out of a pile of clothes you keep for those creepy porcelain dolls your mom sends you."

"No, it's mine. It's supposed to stretch."

I laughed. "See, you say that like it's a good thing. Stretchy is great when it's Saran wrap, but I really don't need a shirt that will vacuum seal my fat like a Twinkie. Do you have anything that doesn't come in anorexic?"

She snatched the shirt out of my hands and hung it back in the closet. "Here." She tossed me another shirt. ". Silk. Empire-waist. Put it on."

"Well, if J. Crew approves-" I began to mumble before Rose interrupted me by pulling my shirt over my head.

"Shut up and put the fucking shirt on. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

"I guess that covers the cute and fuzzy part," Alice laughed.

*****************************

Lunch was nothing short of a disaster.

All Rose could talk about the whole car ride there was lemon pepper chicken, so when we reached the restaurant and was told there would be a fifty minute wait, Rose was not willing to turn her back on her fowl friend.

Around an hour later we were finally seated in an overcrowded, under lit dining room. The back of my chair faced a table that sat a family with three kids. Of course, I was near the one who needed to go the restroom every 15 seconds and was reminded of that when he rammed his chair into mine. It took everything I had not to fasten my napkin around him like a diaper, or tell his parents that if they didn't control their kid's peeper, I was going to whack it off, but then I thought that could be really misconstrued.

Things only got better when it was time to place our order, and Rosalie asked for a Caesar salad with light dressing on the side.

Alice glared at her. "What about your lemon pepper chicken?"

"I don't know. It's like I thought about it so much, it didn't sound appealing anymore."

I looked at her and shook my head. "So we waited for an hour so that you could order something that comes on the 99 cent menu at Wendy's?"

"No, we waited for an hour because you said you wanted deep fried Big Bird."

I turned to the waiter and gave my order. Someone needed to eat the damn lemon pepper chicken.

Of course, it was dry, and the chef had used about ten more lemons then needed. I felt like I was eating a chicken-flavored Warhead.

I spilt dressing on Alice's shirt that was dry clean only and a birthday gift from Jasper that she had never worn. She insisted it was no big deal, I insisted I would get her a new one, and Rose insisted that I couldn't afford it.

_Sigh._

So, I bought her lunch instead.

I put my old shirt back on when I got to Alice's, but I kept her blouse wrapped around my neck as a reminder to bring it by the dry cleaners to see if they could work their magic. Naturally, I was too busy playing the drums on my steering wheel to remember to drop it off.

As I was unlocking the door to my house, my phone began to ring. I slipped my purse off of my shoulder and tried to balance it on my knee that was propped up on the door. I hit the answer button and placed it between my ear and shoulder without looking at the screen.

"Hello."

"BELLE!"

Only one person in this world called me Belle, and that's because nothing is cooler to a five year old then having the same name as a Disney princess, or in my case, a similar name to a Disney princess.

"Hey, Maggie Moo. What's up?" I tossed my keys on the small table by the door and walked to the kitchen to put away my leftovers.

"Guess what I'm doing today?"

"Going to outer space?"

She giggled. "No."

"Uh, driving a race car?"

Her laughter was getting louder. "No, silly."

"Getting your first kiss? What did I tell you about those boys who hang out by the monkey bars?" I couldn't stop the huge grin from forming. Her spirit was contagious, even over the phone.

"Nooooo. Cory Evans asked me to be his girlfriend last week, but he spent all recess Monday on the swings with Melanie. Jonathan did tell Caroline that he wanted to sit by me during snack, though."

"Well, don't forget to make them work for it."

The phone went silent for a second. "What does that mean?"

I shook my head and smiled. "Nothing. Never mind. I'll explain it to you in ten years."

"You sound just like Daddy. I heard him tell Mommy that I'm not allowed to play with Cory until I'm thirty. Are you thirty, Belle?"

"Almost, love bug."

"You're old."

"Yep." I never realized how much I missed Maggie until she had me laughing. Things were so simple with her. Black and white. Wrong and right.

"How is Dad?"

"He's at work, but he said he would meet mommy and me at the park later. We're going to the one with big red slide."

I plopped down on the couch. "That one's my favorite."

"I know, that's why I wanted to tell you. Mommy said we could call you. She promised me last weekend we could go, but it rained, so we are going today. Daddy couldn't take off work all day, but he said if we waited until three he would come." I could hear her sigh into the phone. "I wish you could come."

I let my head fall back and closed my eyes. "I know. Me too."

"Mommy said it's hard for Daddy when you visit."

I squeezed my eyes closed even tighter. _Shit._

"She's right. It's hard for him to take off work to spend time with me when I come in town."

"But, he's taking off work today?"

"Yeah, but you know how much he loves the twisty slide."

She giggled. "He got stuck last time, and Annie's dad had to help pull him out."

"Well, it sounds like he needs to stick to the see-saw today then."

We talked for a little while longer. She told me more about her recess boyfriend, her after school care boyfriend, and her neighborhood boyfriend. She also gave me an in-depth color detail of every fish she saw at the aquarium on their fieldtrip. In the middle of her reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to me for the second time, my phone started to beep. I looked at the unrecognized number on the screen before putting it back to my ear.

"Ms. Maggie, I have to run, ok. Someone is on the other line, and you need to get ready for the park. Have fun and go down the slide head first for me. Oh, and if Dad gets stuck on the slide again, ask your Mom if she can take a picture with her phone and send it to me."

"Ok. I love you, Belle." Her voice was light and full of excitement.

"Love you, rugrat."

I couldn't remember how to switch calls so I pressed a hundred buttons and probably made a satellite in space go haywire, but I got reconnected.

_If it's the Domino's guy telling me the special of the week, I'm going to shove my free liter of Pepsi down his throat._

"Hello?"

"Hey." The voice was soft but raspy and sounded like choir of a million orgasms.

"Hey," I squeaked. My voice, on the other hand, sounded like a prepubescent boy during health class learning about orgasms. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

_Facepalm. Is that a cricket chirping?_

"Where are you calling from? You programmed your cell, office, and home phone number into my phone. Do you have some special shoe phone or pen phone?"

"Or, Emmett's phone," he replied.

"Well, that's no fun, unless his phone is shaped like something other than a phone."

"Damn. No." He chuckled. "It is red, though."

"Ooh, spiffy!"

_Seriously Bella, phone colors. What are you, an AT&T representative? Why don't you ask him if he wants to upgrade to unlimited text messaging?_

"Uh, so, um, did you, uh, need something?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that I sent my recommendation to your boss. I told him about all the progress you had made, but that I thought you could use some more time."

I dropped the strand of hair I was twirling around my finger and sat at the edge of the couch. "Oh."

"Um, I also told him about Dr. Benson. He specializes in helping people cope with the loss of loved ones. I scheduled a meeting for you with him. I think he would be, uh, I think he would really be good for you, Bella."

I sat my phone on the arm rest of the couch, while my fingers rubbed both sides of my forehead.

Edward and I had talked some since what happened in his office a few days ago, but at the same time we didn't talk about _what_ happened in his office a few days ago.

He had put all his numbers in my phone while I got dressed and told me to call him if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat or just needed to talk. _Like I didn't do enough of that with him._

But, surprisingly, I called him that night, even though I didn't really have anything to say. We talked about the weather, the economy, all the boring things I had no interest in, yet, that night, I stayed up way past my bed time.

"Bella? Hello, Bella, are you there?" The quiet whispers of his frantic voice made me remember I put the phone down. I hit speaker phone and leaned back.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. That sounds…great, just email me the address, time, and date. I'll make sure to be there."

It was quiet for a long moment before he sighed.

"I'm not trying to push you away. I'm trying to be your friend."

_What! What? Danger, Will Robinson. Confusion ahead._

"I, I know that. Er, thanks?"

"No," he sighed again into the phone, heavier this time. "I don't think you do. I can't be your friend and your psychologist at the same time."

"No, I don't think you get it. I'm pretty sure it's you who can't be my guy friend and not want to sleep with me at the same time. You have your _When Harry Meet Sally _logic all out of whack."

"Bella, it's not about sleeping together. I wish we had never slept together."

My head jerked up as I stared at the phone teetering on the edge of the armrest.

"Wait, no. That's not what I meant. It was great, the best actually. It was just a mis-ta-ke." His voice faded out at the end.

I gave the phone the middle finger, wishing we were having this conversation in person so I could throw my drink on him and do a dramatic exit.

"Shit, this isn't coming out right. Can I try again?"

"Yes, please," I yelled towards the phone. "And might I suggest that you don't open with 'Sleeping with you was a mistake'."

He exhaled. "What I meant was that I think sleeping together gave you the wrong idea. I don't want to be your friend with benefits; I want to be your friend. As your psychologist, I'm supposed to be neutral, help you explore every side of a situation, but I just don't think I can do that anymore. You need to see another doctor because the way I'm acting, the way I'm feeling, isn't fair to you. " His breathing got shallow before he whispered, "I care too much."

"Edward, I-"

"I know. Really, I care as a friend, that's all. I want to be your Alice and Rose without the make-up and boobs." I could hear him smile.

I laughed. "You just took away the best parts. Now all that's left is their anger and bitchiness."

Edward laughed with me for a minute before clearing his throat. "This is better, I promise. It will be good for you. Now it's like you get two for the price of one, because you know if you ever need anything, you can call me."

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Don't mention it." The awkward quiet had returned for a moment before he spoke again. "So, how was your day?"

"Same old thing. Lunch with the girls then back home. I was actually on the phone with my sister when you called."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude."

"You didn't. She was just showing me the new reading level she's at in school. She's moved up two since the last time I talked to her. She's a really smart kid."

"When was the last time you saw her?"

"A year ago, I guess. I met them at the beach for a long weekend."

I could hear him shuffling around, switching the phone to his other ear. Now, not only did he have to listen to my problems in the office, but I was talking his ear off in his free hours too.

"You should go see her. I bet it would do you some good to get out of town for a few days," he said firmly.

"Eh," I thought for a moment. "I don't know."

"Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Bella. Complicated. Shocking." He laughed a little. "You know, uh, if you want some company or something, like, someone to help with the drive, I can come with you."

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to go."

"I think it would…never mind. Forget it. Just, if you decide to go and want a driving partner, let me know."

"I sure will."

"Well, Emmett's making his way to the car so I better let you go. It was good talking to you. Hopefully, I will hear from you soon. Maybe after you get back from visiting your family." He made sure to say the last part really fast.

"Yeah, maybe. Bye Edward."

"Bye."

I reached over, turned off the speakerphone, and hit the disconnect button.

I sat in silence for a long time, thinking about the day that was only a little over half over. Thinking about the people we come in contact with in our life, whether it's your family you haven't seen in years or your best friends that you view as sisters.

I grabbed the phone and dialed the number quickly before I chickened out and erased it. It rang four times before he answered.

"Hello, Chief Swan."

"Hey, it's Bella"

I could hear the volume of his radio decrease slightly before he grunted my acknowledgment.

"So, I talked to Maggie today, and I was thinking about coming in next weekend to see you guys."

"Huh. Well, that will make Mags happy. She misses you. I can tell Susanna to set a place for you at the table on Friday."

"I was thinking that-"

He cut me off. "Bella, I have to go. I'm workin'."

"Ok, well-"

_Dial tone._

I listened to the phone beep for a moment before I moved it to look at the empty screen, "Yeah Dad, I love you too."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I started the next chapter, so it should be up next week.

Spock, signing out!


	10. Hero

Thanks everyone for sticking around. This chapter was a lot harder than I expected.

My lovely Birdee, you rock my world and my story with your amazing skills.

Please enjoy the musical styling of Flaming Lips "Suddenly Everything Has Changed", Kings of Leon- "Use Somebody", and The Smiths- "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 9- Hero

_I've been roaming around_

_Always looking down at all I see_

_Painted faces fill the places I can't reach_

_- Use Somebody by Kings of Leon_

Dr. Benson smelled like Dimetapp. His fingernails were two inches longer than mine, and he had more gray hair growing out of his nose then he did his head.

_Sigh._

I missed Edward. At least he was enjoyable to look at.

I liked Dr. Benson though, mainly because he talked more then I did. He rambled on about "overusing humor as a social lubricant." Which, of course, led me to uncontrollable giggles, and that alone knocked five minutes off my session. He said that like it was a bad thing. Who doesn't like lube?

I tuned him out after that. I had enough of this "masking pain with funny" bullshit. It was like a broken record. I was living out that movie _Groundhog Day _only I didn't wake up to the smooth stylings of Sonny and Cher. No, I was listening to Dr. Coffee Breath explain how I had such a desperate need to protect myself from getting hurt that I laughed off and/or push away anyone's serious attempt to connect. I'd heard it all before.

_An apple a day keeps the doctor away._

_Red touch yellow, kill a fellow._

_Liquor before beer, you're in the clear._

_It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again._

These words of wisdom were getting old.

Yeah, yeah, I got it. Don't make fun of the overweight chick in the "Baby Girl" shirt cause metaphorically speaking, I'm just another heavy set woman eating away my pain with Mallomars but portraying to the world in glittery pink font across my chest that I'm "Bringing Sexy Back."

Metaphors suck, and apparently are heavy on the calories too.

I just wanted to leave. The sooner I got out of here, the sooner I could hit the road. I had taken off work tomorrow and Monday so that I could make the most out of my trip to Dad's. It was a four hour drive there, so spending all night in the car Friday just to turn around and drive back on Sunday would be miserable. So naturally, I just faked a _coughcough_cold_coughcough_ and used my sick days.

Dr. Benson was still yapping away as I watched the little hand on my watch move closer toward the three. I dropped my arm back to my side and looked back up at the ceiling.

Why was I looking up?

Because he actually made me lie down on a couch. A cold, leather, hard-as-a-rock couch. I wasn't Matt Damon. I wasn't some super genius who spends her days mopping hallways and solving equations. I didn't like "them apples". Hell, I did't like Minnie Driver.

_Sigh._

I missed Edward. At least he let me sit in a chair.

I had ten minutes left. I could suck it up for ten minutes. Turning my head to the right, I watched as he stroked his beard while buttoning and buttoning the top button of his wool blazer. I was watching his lips move and could see the small specks of dust tumble and twirl by his mouth as he spoke. The words, though, were mostly inaudible.

It was like someone was messing with the volume knob in my brain. Turning it on and off, making it loud and clear when he said things like "insomnia" or "anxiety" and, with my luck, muting all the good stuff like, "That blouse is mighty becoming."

"Would you like for me to call your prescription in for you or just write it out and you can take care of it?"

I crinkled my forehead and watched as he walked behind his desk and grabbed a small green pad of paper.

"Wait, what?" I sat up on the couch.

He spun on the heel of his shoe and looked at me. "Have you listened to anything I said in the last hour?"

I quickly thought over the previous sixty minutes but was drawing a blank. I did listen to him hum under his breath, though. Did that count? I think that should count. Yep, that's going to count.

"Of course," I said with as much fake assurance as I could muster.

"I guess I was just mistaken. I was under the impression that you had discussed the option of medication with Dr. Cullen-"

I shook my head repeatedly. "Ed-Dr. Cullen thinks that I should be on medication?"

"Well, technically Dr. Cullen is unable to prescribe medication. He felt as though maybe therapy alone was not enough, and in all honesty, I have to agree. You are showing signs…"

There went that volume knob again. Though, this time, as the volume lowered the anger raged.

_Fuck you, Edward and your imported leather chair that you lead your sessions from._

He couldn't just toss me to some other doctor with unwanted promises of happy pills and unicorns. Swallowing a little capsule wasn't going to change seventeen years of self-loathing. That wouldn't bring my mom back or make Gavin decide not to get into his car. It wouldn't keep my dad from thinking of my mother every time he saw me. If it even did just one of those, I would gladly pop that pill every day for the rest of my life.

Dr. Benson had taken a seat next to me on the couch, filling me in on proper usage and side effects. I started talking not sure, and not caring, if he was done yet.

"Could you call it into the Rite Aid on Sunridge, please? I really should be on my way. You have other appointments and I need to get to my Dad's house."

He smiled and jotted something down on the pad before tearing it off and passing it to me. "Just hand that to them when you go to pick it up. Natalie will take care of you at the reception desk. It was a pleasure to meet you, Bella. I hope to see you soon."

He had suggested that I come back in two to three weeks for our next session unless I desired to come more often. I desired to set the appointment for exactly three weeks. He said he would call and check in though, especially since this weekend was going to be "emotionally tiresome," and that thought alone made me "emotionally nauseous."

I nodded, grabbed my purse, and shuffled down the hall. Natalie called in the order and even asked if they could put a rush on it. I could officially be medicated and driving heavy machinery in under thirty minutes. Congress would be proud.

I was out of town, medication in hand…er…purse, by four o'clock. If I didn't stop to go to the restroom or get a McFlurry, I could be at Dad's by eight. I would miss dinner, but they wouldn't notice. Dad wouldn't call looking either.

My goal was to get there before Maggie went to sleep. If I stayed with this schedule, I would be able to see her for a half an hour before she went to sleep. I pushed down on the accelerator and watched the red dial move higher and higher.

************************************

1422 Crestwell Circle.

This was small town America. This was white picket fences and swing sets. This was neighborhood watch and borrowing a cup a sugar. This was my replacement.

The house I grew up in was a shoe box on a patch of grass. The house we moved into after my mom died was a matchbox with no yard. My swing set was a thick limb that hung from the tree behind Mrs. Hitchman's house, until Calvin, aka Cow-van, tried to swing himself and his double chin too high and broke it. Not to mention his arm as well.

We did have a neighborhood watch. All the old ladies would meet every Sunday to discuss what they watched from the screened in porches. That Linda's husband was having an affair. The twins that lived two houses down were smoking pot on the roof of their house. If there was actually a crime, though, they never saw a thing. They were busy watching their soaps until four and asleep by seven. Luckily, the house with the police cruiser tended be the last one robbed.

My dad worked long hours and even longer weekends. He hoped to work his way up the police force and be able to retire when he reached sixty-five. Mom leaving and my dependency put a damper on this plans. So, naturally, he threw himself even more into the job. Working six days a week and spending every Sunday at the lake.

I caught the bus to school every morning and then back home. Mrs. Hitchman, who lost her husband in the Vietnam War before they could have any children, would meet me outside the house and walk me next door where I would do my homework, help her around the house, and eat dinner. The only real together time I spend with my dad was when he walked me from Mrs. Hitchman's house back to ours. We would have the same conversation every night.

"How was your day, Bells?"

"Good, and yours?"

"Just fine."

That was it. Until I turned 15, and then it stopped altogether. I was old enough to stay home alone, so I would only go next door to bring Mrs. Hitchman some of whatever I cooked Dad for dinner. He would come home and eat, and I would do dishes. He would fall asleep on the couch watching sports, and I would turn off the television and tuck myself in. We were both just the shell of the people we used to be. Only, unlike me, it wasn't his fault.

I use to think that those mugs that said, "World's Best Dad" were made just for him. He helped me catch my first fish, which I quickly named Long John Silver before throwing it back into the water so it wouldn't suffocate. He was there when I danced as Pink Tulip 6 in my Alice in Wonderland dance recital. He smiled from his recliner as I pounded out a horrific version of "Heart and Soul" on my electronic keyboard in the middle of the living room. Things change. People die. Dad's move on. I just wish I could have done it with him, but no one needs a walking reminder of your first love following you around, even if it is your kid. I understood. It took me a long time before I could look at myself too.

He just needed to be parent not a friend, which I was ok with, because I already had a best friend. Gavin came into my life just ask quickly as he left. I remember walking into Mr. Law's science class after fifth hour P.E. and being scared shitless by a talking skeleton in the corner of the room. After getting my racing heart in check, I noticed a scrawny little twerp come barreling out from behind it. His dirty blonde hair was perfectly gelled to the side, and when he smiled I noticed that bands on his braces were a light blue.

"My name's Milk. I can do your body good." He stuck his hand out to greet me and even tried to wiggle his eyebrows, tried being the operative word. His face was pale except for three or four splotches around the left corner of his chin that were tinted darker.

"Did you try to cover your pimples with concealer?"

His head shot up. "Uh, no." I could see the small smile he was trying to hide.

I pulled my Teen Vogue magazine from my book bag. "Here, Milk. It looks like you need the make-up pointers more than I do."

And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

His dad worked for a company that laid pipes for larger oil companies all over the country so he would be gone for months at a time, and his mom worked the night shift as an Emergency Room nurse. Gavin spent very little time at home. He lived about eight blocks away, so he would ride his bike to my house or the public library next to the school. When I got my license he would ride home with me where we would do our homework, and he would stay for dinner. I would bring him home after dad ate.

Gavin hated my dad cause he thought he was a prick for the way he acted. My dad didn't really care enough to form an opinion of the lanky kid who sat on the right of him at the dinner table. I, on the other hand, loved them both.

The night Gavin died was the first night my dad had hugged me years. I remembered feeling horrible for actually being so happy in that moment. I told myself that was the only thing that got me through those months. Finals. Graduation. College. All the things we had planned to do together. We had both been accepted to the University of Arizona. He received a football scholarship, and I was accepted into the honors program. We were going to do the dorm thing, the last calls at the bar, the late cram sessions at the library, the full college experience. The day after the accident, I contacted the Enrollment office and notified them of my decision not to attend their university in the fall. Instead, I stayed at home and attended the local college where I took classes year around and graduated magna cum laude after three years. For this, my dad actually came. It was the first time I met Susanna. Six months later, I was returning the attendance favor at their wedding.

Before I knew it, I was sitting the drive-way, car off and in complete darkness, staring at the decorated wreath on the stained wood door. "Welcome" was painted in lavender along a white sign hanging in the middle.

I knew I shouldn't be here. I was just making things worse. Being selfish, like always. I was coming here because I loved my pseudo family, but if you really loved something you did't want to cause it pain.

I turned the key in the ignition so that I could drive-away, when the door flung open. I saw the most adorable little girl dressed in a purple and lime green pajama set with the pants tucked into a pair of light pink ruffled cowboy boots. Her hair was a curly mane filled with sparkly barrettes and flowers. She was waiting at the door, all smiles and missing teeth.

The car was turned off and the door ajar before I could think otherwise. Maggie was tapping her foot by the car in no time.

"I thought you were going to be here for dinner!"

I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'm sorry. I had a later start then expected, but I have a present for you in the trunk."

Her eyes lit up as she bounced in place. I popped my trunk, grabbing my luggage while Maggie went for the sparkling package.

Dad watched from the door, his arms crossed and face emotionless. She followed me to the house, holding the large present tightly to her chest. When I reached my dad I got on my tiptoes so I could kiss his cheek as well.

"Hey, Dad. Where's Susanna?"

"Hey. In the kitchen doing the dishes. She'll be done in a minute. I was just about to put Maggie down when I saw your lights in the window."

"I don't want to go to bed," Maggie protested.

"Well, I'm afraid it wasn't a question," he said in his best fatherly voice.

"Ten minutes?"

He sighed. "Ok, ten minutes. Then straight to bed, no questions."

Maggie grabbed my hand and pulled me to her room towards the back of the house. The walls were a bright yellow, and the ceiling was covered in clouds. Large colorful kites shaped like butterflies, ladybugs, and dragonflies hung from around the room. Her bedding was a soft green that matched the striped name plates that decorated the wall above her bed.

She hopped a top the bed, shaking the present and waiting for my ok to open it. Before I could even finish nodding my head, the wrapping paper was flying. She took the lid off the box and pulled out the black and white plaid teddy bear.

She lifted her head to look at me.

"My mom gave me that when I was around your age," I said, taking a seat next to her. "You know, Dad use to work a lot when I was little too."

"Yeah," she whispered while examining the doll.

"Yep. I use to hear about all the bad guys that Dad would go after and fight. I would miss him terribly when he wasn't home when I woke up or went to sleep, but I knew his job was important. He was my hero, but the city needed him as a super hero even more. Then, one day my mom brought me this bear. I recognized the material immediately. He was made from pajamas Dad had for as long as I could remember. My mom actually said he used to wear them when she met him in college. Over the heart of the bear, she stitched a small gold badge, and around his neck she tied a red cape with the letters 'SD' printed in the middle."

"Super Dad," Maggie giggled.

"Uh huh."

She looked up at me. "I knew what the bear was made of when I saw him too. Dad still has a pair of PJ bottoms that look exactly like this."

"Yeah, but your old man is getting to big to fit in them now." He rubbed his belly twice. "I'm giving Santa Claus a run for his money in the cookie eating department."

Maggie laughed as he gave his best "Ho Ho Ho".

"Time to go to sleep, buckaroo. Bella will be here when you wake up in the morning."

I walked away from the bed as I watched her crawl under the covers and Dad slipped the comforter up to her neck. He bent down and whispered a few words before placing a kiss on each eyelid. She placed her arm around the bear, snuggling it into her neck. Dad and I crept out of the room, making sure the nightlight came on and leaving a small crack in the door.

I followed him as he walked down the hall to the living room. He moved a pile of books from the couch before sitting down. The red chair next to him held a magazine, so I did the same. My eyes wandered around the room.

The mantle was covered in framed pictures. Some were like watching a flip book of Maggie growing older one year at a time while the others seemed like they made time stand still. Dad in his full uniform waving to the camera through his cruiser window. A shot of Susanna and Maggie from behind while they cooked, patches of flour covering every surface. In the middle was the happy family. Maggie on the shoulder of my dad and Susanna cheerfully by his side. I glanced over them all again. I was in none, but I knew why. Mine were the kind of pictures that brought up things you would rather forget. Like the first time you tried a cigarette and nearly threw up, or when you got caught making out behind the gym and were forced to join the Abstinence Club.

I looked from the middle picture back to my dad. His face was covered by the newspaper.

"You kissed her eyelids," I said, smiling.

He lowered the top half of the paper, revealing the questioning look on his face.

"When you put Maggie to sleep, you kissed her eyelids. Do you remember doing that to me?"

He folded the paper and placed it nicely in this lap. He ran his hand through his hair, tugging slightly when he reached the back. "Yeah," he said after clearing his throat.

"You would do it when I would come into your room because I had a nightmare. You said you were kissing the bad dreams away."

Dad scratched his eyebrow and shook his head in a silent agreement. He exhaled a deep breath. "I really should turn in. Five a.m. will be here before you know it."

"Oh, yeah. Sucks you have to work. I was hoping you might get off."

"The streets never take a day off, so neither can I," he said while sighing.

"True." I stood up to give him a hug or shake his hand or salute. Situations like this were always a little uncomfortable. Before I could come up with a combination of the three, he was on his way out of the room.

Instead of sitting alone in the living room, which was a normal Saturday night for me, I stuck my head into the kitchen and told Susanna that I was sleepy from the drive and that I would see her in the morning. My things were still by the front door, so I grabbed them on the way to the guest room. The room was dark expect for a small lamp on the nightstand. Minimal furniture. Minimal color. Minimal stay.

My blue cotton shorts and white "Race for the Cure" t-shirt from last year's run were right there when I unzipped my luggage. Cleaning my face wasn't a top priority, so I moved everything off the bed except my prescription bag. I pulled out the bottle and skimmed the directions and contents. The child proof cap snapped off after two rotations around the bottle before I tapped the bottle on my palm, releasing one pill. I swallowed it quickly and nestled under the covers before turning out the light. I should have probably known what I was taking or what it was for, but all I really cared about was that a side effect was drowsiness.

000000000000000000000000000000000000

I know I said y'all were going to hear more from Charlie in this chapter, but I got to this point and it was 4,000 words so I decided to stop and post what I had because if I hadn't it would be another week and around 20 pages. I guess I rambled too much in the beginning.


	11. Pieces

And we're back. I've been a busy lil bee so sorry about the wait.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. I wanted to give a special thanks to the lovely ladies at The Lazy yet Discerning Ficster blog who posted a recommendation for Wilting written by the talented Dollegirl. Y'all are too sweet. Probably slightly delusional for choosing me, but still very sweet. If you're looking for some new story recommendations or really funny/insightful articles, go check out their site. A link is on my profile.

Birdee, as always, you rock the cradle of love.

Music: Nirvana- All Apologies, MCR- I Don't Love You, Academy Is- Down and Out

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 10- Pieces

When after all this time that you still owe

You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know

So take your gloves and get out

Better get out while you can

-I Don't Love You by MCR

To say I slept well would be an understment. If Maggie hadn't jumped on my bed at 8:45. I could have given Rip Van Winkle a run for his money in a sleep-off.

Bring it, old man.

"Wake up, sleepy head. Mom cooked waffles. They're probably cold by now since you slept for a zillion years." She rolled her eyes and looked incredibly put out by the fact that I wasn't there to witness the great waffle birth.

I groaned as the covers bounced on the top of my head with her every jump. I cleared my throat so it wouldn't be scratchy when I finally spoke. "Well, it sounds like the role of Grumpy is already occupied, so I'll play Sleepy and you come back when the clock hits double digits."

"Come oooon," she whined as she yanked at my wrist, not moving my body an inch. For the first time in my life, I was happy that I actually outweighed someone by fifty pounds. "We have to be at the zoo by ten if we want to see them feed the fish."

I blew all the hair out of my face and slid the covers below my eyes. Maggie's eyes were wide with excitement while her smile revealed more gaps from missing teeth. "You aren't going to school today?" She shook her head no. "Oh, ok, then I'm up. Give me twenty minutes and then I will meet you in the kitchen."

She continued to bounce her way off the bed and down the hall. I let myself count to five in preparation of the cold wood floor I knew was waiting below me. I scurried to the bathroom and quickly ran through my morning routine. It took me a little more time than normal since I had to rummage through an overnight bag for my supplies, but I still had two minutes to spare by the time I was walking out of the room.

I checked my phone as I made my way to the kitchen. No missed calls.

Well that makes the routine feel more normal.

Maybe that's my hint that I should consider reducing the minutes on my phone plan. Maybe I should just buy my friends a box of flares that they could send off when they need me; that way I could cancel my plan altogether.

In the small kitchen, Susanna was running a wet rag along the edges of a light blue waffle maker. Maggie, who was still bouncing, just in her seat now, was pouring an entire bottle of maple syrup over two waffles.

"Morning," I said rather lightly so that I wouldn't startle anyone. The other stool was empty so I slid in next to Maggie while she pushed the plate in front of me and smiled.

"I put the syrup and everything on it for you." You would have thought she had just climbed Everest by the look of pride on her face. Though, those bottles can be heavy, and she did make sure that every dent in my waffle was filled with Aunt Jemima's finest. "You're welcome," she added with a smirk when I went to lift my fork.

"Thank you. Both of you." I looked at Susanna who had her back turned to us. "It looks great."

I was half way through my breakfast and Susanna was wiping off the counter for the fourth time when she spoke. "I apologize for not being able to really talk last night. I expected you to arrive earlier and was swamped in house work when you finally did get here."

I could see the muscle of her shoulder tense as the scrubbed the granite slab harder. "No biggie. I knew everyone was busy. I didn't want to put anyone out. I just know how busy dad gets so I thought it might be easier to come to him."

She tossed the rag in the sink and pulled the yellow glove off of her hand finger by finger. I walked around her and lifted the handle on the shiny silver faucet. Turning the water to as hot as it would go, I washed away all the sticky syrup and left over pieces of breakfast from plate down the drain. I felt bad for messing up things again. I dirtied up her husband, and now I'm dirtying up her newly cleaned sink.

I helped my plate find its rightful home in the dishwasher before working my way around the island to grab the sea foam green mug I was drinking from. There was enough coffee in the pot for two more cups, so I asked Susanna if she would like some.

"No. Maggie woke me up at five because she was so excited about today she couldn't sleep. I probably drank half a pot before six. I was going to pour what was left out seeing that you slept until almost nine and probably wouldn't need coffee, but I guess you were so busy doing whatever made you late last night that you were incredibly worn out."

I turned and looked at Maggie, who just shrugged her shoulders and continued to look for the ironing board that was hidden in the picture in her Highlights magazine. I shrugged back, filled my cup with the lukewarm brew, and stood behind Maggie, helping her with her search.

After staring at the page for ten minutes I was starting to feel cross eyed and slightly dumb. because let's face it, I just had to a lie to five year old and tell her that I totally saw the sword disguised as a tree branch in the Fun Finder.

"Alright Maggie the Magnificent, lets go throw some shoes on so we can skedaddle."

She dog eared the corner of the page before hopping off the chair and skipping towards the hall. When we reached the opening, she put her arm out to stop me. "Look what Dad showed me." She reared back and took off as fast as she could down the slender walkway. About halfway to her room she let herself slid, Risky Business-style, to her door.

"Tom would be proud," I said as I helped tie her pink light-up Sketchers.

"Who's Tom?"

I finished with her right and started on the left. "Tom Cruise. Short. Kind of weird. Has a personal grudge against Ritalin."

She cocked her head. "What's Ritalin?"

"Never mind." I swooped her up off of the bed and swung her around twice before putting her down by the door. "To the zoo?"

"To the zoo," she repeated with a nod and grabbed my hand.

Susanna was already in the car with the engine running when we walked outside. As we approached, I could hear Cat Stevens singing his caution of the crazy place we live in and Susanna yammering away on her cell phone. Maggie was buckled, and I could feel the wind from the open window blowing stands of hair in my face before the song ended.

I watched as the buildings faded together until we reached the outskirts of town. The trees replaced the uniform brick houses while birds filled the sky like busy sidewalks. A large arched metal sign decorated in giraffes and elephants hung over the gravel entrance. Maggie's grin grew along-side Susanna's low growl of annoyance that she couldn't find a parking spot. Oh, the zoo. Brings out a little animal in us all.

Lion and Tigers and Stepmoms…Oh my!

As we approached the ticket counter a grey haired man pushing a zoo issued stroller that looked like a safari jeep began to walk towards us.

"Susanna?" He was craning his neck and squinting one eye trying to get a better look at us. "Susanna Swan?"

Susanna plastered on an instant smile, grabbed Maggie's hand, and led her in the direction of the man. I followed closely behind, trying not to get lost in the crowd of kids carrying brown paper bag lunches and rubber snakes.

"Douglas, how are you?"

"Good, good. Eleanor and I had our grandson for the day, so we thought we would spend the morning out." I looked down at the small pale boy poking his finger in the mouth of a plastic alligator. He glanced back at me and stuck out his tongue before going back to probing his swampy friend.

"Where is Eleanor? I had been hoping to run into her at the council meeting last week." Susanna's voice sounded strained, like she was forcing herself to relax.

"She's in the concession line buying a snow cone for Brent. I was just heading out to the car to wait for her." He turned to face me and stuck out his hand. "Hello, I'm Douglas Price.

I shook his hand but before I could say anything Susanna cut me off. "How rude am I. Douglas this is Isabella. Isabella, this is Douglas Price. He is one of California's finest."

"Newly retired California's finest," he said. "So, how do you know Charlie and Susanna?"

"Oh, um, I'm Charlie's daughter."

"From his first marriage," Susanna added.

Douglas squinted his eye at me again like he was concentrating on trying to remember something. Guess it wasn't to take his Ginkgo biloba this morning. "Hmm, I'm sorry. I don't think, uh, I don't think Charlie ever told me had another daughter."

Of course he didn't.

"Do you live around here, Isabella?"

"Not far. Just a few hours away," I replied while watching Maggie attack Brent's nose with the gator.

"Well that must be why. It has to be hard for him to talk about you-"

Like you wouldn't believe, I thought.

"-because he misses you so much," he finished.

Ohhh, swing and a miss. Thanks for participating in our game, and don't worry, no contestant goes home empty handed. You won your very own copy of, Chicken Soup for the Apparently I'm Parentless Soul. Play again next week and you could go home with, Shoot Me Now for Dummies.

"Probably," I muttered.

At that moment, Brent unleashed a blood curdling scream and start rubbing his face. I saw Maggie drop the reptile instantly before slowly backing away.

"Well, I guess I should get going. It sounds like its n-a-p time," he said, spelling out the word. "It was good to see you. Please tell Charlie I said hi. Isabella," he shook my hand again, "it was a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise."

He smiled and shuffled off to the parking lot. A few minutes later we passed Eleanor on the way to the train but she was unable to stop and chat due the balancing act she was performing. Wobbling in her arms were two snow cones, one blood red and one an off-white, a frozen lemonade, and two churros. That would have been a lot for me to handle, let alone a 5'1 woman in her sixties.

I bet she does Tae Bo. That Billy Blanks is a Godsend.

We maneuvered through another crowd of sugar-enhanced children and sweaty teachers mumbling the names of the holy family under their breaths. I did the sign of the cross and offered a silent prayer to the patron saint of pregnancy tests that none these kiddos would mistake my car for the day care bus.

The zoo was everything I imagined it could be. A monkey peeing in his water bowl, a bunch of slimy giant fish jumping out of the water and onto each others backs trying to devour food pellets like they won't be thrown to them tomorrow from 9 a.m to 9 p.m, and the worlds largest rat that I thought was on exhibit until it ran under the fence that caged the ostrich and in front of my feet. But Maggie had fun, and that was all that mattered.

On the car ride home she fell asleep, and Susanna and I fell into an awkward silence. I wanted to ask her about my dad, how his job was going and if he was taking off more time, because I knew this wasn't the type of conversation he would have with me, but I was starting to think that maybe this wasn't the type of conversation Susanna would have with me either. So, I hummed and played thumb war against myself and counted the number of Starbucks we passed until I could feel my eyelids begin to get heavy as well.

After what seemed like seconds later, I jerked up in my seat when I heard a loud slam. We were back at the house and Susanna was back on her phone. She was leaning over Maggie and pushing her shoulders gently back and forth in hopes of waking her up.

I hoped out of the car and motioned for her to go inside and that I would take care of Maggie. Susanna padded of towards the front door while I scooped Maggie up, resting her head by neck and wrapping her legs around my waist.

I slowly walked her inside and into her room, pulling back the covers to lay her underneath. When I was slipping her shoes off, her eyes started to flutter open.

"Shh. Go back to sleep. I think everyone could use a happy nappy," I said, running my hand through her hair. "Do you need anything? Your blanket or stuffed animal?"

"Mr. Bippo. I think he's on the floor in the corner," she yawned.

I rotated around on my heels and noticed a light grey hippo sporting a top hat and vest by the closet door. As I bent down to retrieve him I noticed the Super Dad teddy bear I gave her last night sitting atop a mismatch of abandoned toys in a large blue tub stuffed in the closet.

While tucking Mr. Bippo into the covers just like his owner, I told Maggie that I was glad she found a place for Super Dad bear.

"Mom put him there," she whispered. "Said he needed to be some place safe like my collector Barbies."

"She's probably right." I sighed and looked down for her to nod in agreement, but her eyes were tightly closed and she breathed a steady beat.

When I walked around to the back of the house, Susanna was sitting in a large wooden rocking chair in her sunroom. A calm breeze wafted through the screen door while the continual creak of her chair distracted from the buzz of a misguided bee.

I knocked lightly on the edge of the door so she knew was there. "I just put Maggie down."

"Ok," she said, barely looking up from her book.

"When I was, uh, in her room, I saw that you had put away the bear I got her-"

She started to talk before I could say anything more. "Oh yes. I knew it was important to you so I figured it would be best put away for safe keepings.

"Well, thank you, but you really don't need to do that. I mean, I gave it to her knowing she would play with it. It was important to me when I was growing up, but I was hoping that maybe it might become important to her as well."

She placed her book down in her lap and folded her arms across is the binding. "I just don't want things to get anymore," she took a deep breath, "complicated".

"I'm sorry, I don't think I understand."

"I just don't think having gifts from Charlie's ex-wife floating around the house would be the most suitable situation."

"But its not a gift from Renee," I said emphasizing her name, "it's a gift from me."

"But it's a reminder."

"Of my dad," I added.

"Of his ex-wife," she said while lifting the book back to her face.

"Renee," I murmured as I turned around and walked through the arch door way back into the main part of the house and down the hall to Maggie's room. She was still sleeping with covers pulled securely up to her neck and her face almost touching the wall.

Being as quiet as possible, I tip toed across the room and retrieved the small bear from the closet and placed it on the shelf above her night stand. Should I have listened to Susanna and left the doll in the box? Probably. Do I regret taking it out anyways? Not at all. If I wanted it to collect dust, I would have just left it at my house. It would be one thing if Maggie didn't want it, but Susanna had no right to decide for her.

I made my way back the guest bedroom and fell back on the bed. I was physically and emotionally drained. I pulled my iPod out of my bag and selected an artist I knew would calm my nerves. As my eyelids started to get heavy, I let my head fall back and my body fall into a deep sleep.

I didn't know if those little Serta sheep were visiting me in my sleep or if I was so out of shape that walking around a zoo for three hours conked me out, but I was having another one of those deep sleeps where I thought nothing could wake me. That was until I heard a loud bang.

I sat up quickly in the bed, slightly disoriented and partially still dreaming. I thought maybe I had just dreamed the noise until I heard it again. It wasn't the bang of a gun or the bang of someone falling down and hurting themselves. It was a distinct noise. Metal on metal like pots and pants colliding. Or being bashed together.

Susanna.

I listened closely to see if maybe I could figure out what was going on, but all the voices were muffled. The only difference was one was soprano and one was bass. Guess Dad was home.

I didn't want to get in the middle of anything, so I crept into the bathroom to shower off the smell of barn animals and give them a chance to work through their business with out the ex-daughter getting in the way.

The shower was long and hot and perfect for a defunk. I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before running the blow dryer over my hair for a quick fix. The room had become a mess so I made the bed, put all my clothes back into a pile in my luggage, and threw the pill bottle from the night stand on top. When I thought the coast was clear, I finally left the room and made my way to the living room.

Dad, still in uniform, was leaning against the doorframe with his back to me while Susanna was hunched over the couch fluffing a pillow and speaking in a hushed tone. I stopped, took a few steps towards the wall, and listened.

"This is my house and my family too, Charlie. We have a child to consider."

Charlie sighed and ran his hand back and forth over his forehead. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think you and Maggie are the most important things in my life?"

"So, do you think it's healthy to have something paraded around this house that belonged to your ex-wife-"

I cut her off. "Renee," I said through clinched teeth.

Dad turned around to face me, and Susanna lifted her head in my direction and spoke. "Excuse me?"

"She was a mother and a wife and a daughter and she had a name. Her name was Renee."

"Bella, if you don't mind, your father and I were having a conversation about nothing that concerns you."

I stood straight and crossed my arms over my chest. "This has everything to do with me."

"Bella," Dad started before I interrupted again.

"No. I'm part of this conversation."

"You're acting like a child," Susanna stated. "Worse. You're acting like your mother. Selfish and stubborn."

She didn't say anything I never thought before, but listening to her admit it out loud made me furious. How dare she say that about her? She didn't even know her. Judge me, that's fine. I'm here. I can defend myself. My mom can't.

"I think you're jealous. Jealous of the fact that my dad loved," I stopped and corrected my self "loves another woman."

My dad looked at Susanna but before he could say anything she started again. "I don't care who your father loved or loves, what you're missing is that apparently she didn't love him.

"No, you're wrong. I was there. I saw it." I could see the sadness in my dad's eyes while the dark shadow underneath them defined this lines from aging. I didn't want to talk to Susanna about it anymore. She didn't get it. So I turned to Dad. He understood. "Don't you remember how she used to make your favorite dinner every Wednesday night because that was your toughest day. It usually turned out horrible so instead we would go to Angelo's Pizza. I think she purposely burnt a few lasagnas just so we would have an excuse to go."

I watched as he glanced away from me and reached for Susanna's hand.

"What about your wedding anniversary? Every year you and I would come up with a new way for you to propose to her all over again since you didn't like the way you did it the first time. We would go to that store with the machine that sold the twenty-five-cent rings. My favorite was the year we tied it to her fishing line but it got stuck on those weeds so you had to wade through the water and get it out. It made the ring permanently green, but she still wore it everyday."

Dad was starring down at the floor now. Susanna's eyes were closed, and she was shaking her head side to side. I should have stopped there. I should have just walked out of the room. I should have gone to find Maggie because I knew she enjoyed my company. But I didn't. I was angry and hurt, and I was in the mood to make others feel the same way.

"So what did you two do for your last wedding anniversary? Dinner? Movie?" I continued.

"Stop it," Dad barked.

So I did.

"You will not come into my house and treat my wife like this."

"But she-,"

"Mom?" Maggie squeaked from the kitchen archway rubbing her face and holding the plaid bear under her arm.

"Maggie, go to your room," Susanna snapped.

Maggie took a step over to me. "Why? Is Bella in trouble? I heard Daddy yelling."

"I'm fine, love bug." I said. "Go get your Barbies ready in your room and I'll come meet you in a minute."

"Mags, why don't you leave Bella's bear in here before you leave, too," Dad added.

"But it's not Bella's, its mine," she retorted.

Susanna walked over to her and put her hand on her shoulder. "You know we don't talk back to adults."

Maggie started to lift the bear to hand it to her mother. "Am I in trouble? Will I get it back?" I could see the tears start to puddle before she blinked a few times causing them to run down her cheek.

I exhaled loudly. "Just let her have the damn bear. It's not hurting anyone."

Susanna's head snapped in my direction. "You are not her mother."

"You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe my mom was selfish, but so are you. You're letting your own petty insecurity destroy your family. She is going to grow up to resent you, can't you see that? The only reason Dad hasn't left-"

"That is enough, Isabella," Dad yelled, making everyone else in the room jump. "Susanna has done nothing but take in a broken man and try to make him whole again. Everything she does, she does for this family." He moved so that he was within inches of me. "I think its time for you to leave."

The tears in Maggie's eyes started to pour out fast. "No. Please don't make Bella leave. Here," she shoved the bear at Susanna "you can have the bear. Please, Daddy. I don't want her to go."

He looked down at her. "Great. Now I have another daughter who hates me." He gave a long sigh before walking out of the room.

I followed after him as he headed towards the guest room. He swung the door open and moved towards my bag on the floor. "Is this everything?" I nodded, and he reached for the luggage. I started to run my hands through my hair. I couldn't believe this. He wasn't going to kick me out. He wouldn't do that. I wouldn't let him.

I stood in front of the door, placing my hand on the frame. "I want to talk about this."

His voice was low and defeated. "I don't want to talk anymore. I'm tired of talking. I just want to be normal. Have a happy, healthy family."

"I can be happy," I whispered. "I can be healthy."

He reached atop the bag, grasping something in the palm of his hand. "This…this isn't healthy," he said shaking the pill bottle in my face. "I can't do unhealthy again. I won't let it ruin my family for the second time."

He pushed past me, shoving the bottle into my hand, and headed for the front door. Not even aware that my legs were moving, I was following him again. Down the hall. Out the front door. Along the driveway. To my car.

Some how he had my keys. I might have given them to him. He might have taken them from my purse. I wasn't sure, and it didn't really matter. He was putting my stuff in the car and I was leaving, whether I wanted to or not.

He closed the back door before opening the driver side as my hint to get in. He looked back at the front door of his house and I looked at him. I knew Maggie was there, and I couldn't look at her.

I wanted to apologize to everyone. I wanted to say that I was in therapy and that I was getting better. That I could be different. But I couldn't. I could lie to myself, but not to him.

I got into the car and then he moved so that he was standing between the open door and me. "I have to do this, if not for myself then my family. Maggie is too young to be around this. She is so innocent and impressionable. Susanna and I have worked too hard to give her a great life to let it crumble over this. I think it's best if you don't call Maggie anymore. We will tell her something so that she understands it's not you."

"What? You're just going to lie to her?" Maggie didn't deserve that. Like dad said, she was innocent.

"I refuse to screw this up again. I will do whatever it takes to protect my family."

I closed my eyes tightly, silently praying that I wouldn't cry. I took a calming breath and glanced at his face. His eyes were hard and cold and starring directly at me. "I thought…I thought I was your family too."

He looked back at the house. "Yes, you were my family," he said, before closing my door quietly and walked back to the house.

I didn't sit in a the driveway for long because if I was going to cry, this wasn't the place. I pulled out of the neighborhood and hit the highway. My mind was on repeat. Replaying the conversation over and over. Finally about ten minutes out of town, it slowly started to drizzle and I lost it. Tears rushed down my face while the silence of the car was filled with the sound of my hitched breath and random screams of frustration. Between the wetness of the windshield and the wetness of my tears, the road was becoming less visible.

I pulled over on the side and switched off the ignition. "Fuck," I yelled, banging my right hand repeatedly against the steering wheel. When I noticed that my hand didn't hurt from hitting it against the wheel, I saw that I was still clutching the bottle. I threw it as hard as possible against the dashboard, popping of the top, and scattering the pills throughout the front of my car. I ran through a long list of profanities before leaning my head back against the rest and trying to calm myself.

I need to talk to someone. I needed to get my mind off of things. I searched my purse for my phone and called the first name in my address book.

Five rings. Voicemail. No Alice.

I hit the "R" button next so that I could call Rosalie, but all I got was the same result as when I called Alice.

I thought about dialing Edward's number, but he would just want to discuss what happened and I didn't. Instead, I settled for the classic rock station, turned on full blast.

The ride seemed long, even though I made it home in half the time it took me to get there. I guessed that's what happens when you spend a few hours examining your life. I realized that Susanna and Dad were more right then I wanted to admit. I was being selfish. I was trying to claim something that wasn't mine. I knew a long time ago that Dad didn't want me around, and I kept pushing. Because I needed more. Because I felt like I needed someone to take care of me.

Selfish.

When I finally pulled up to the house, I drug everything from the car inside and grabbed my portable vacuum cleaner. I opened the passenger side door and started to suck away all my problems, one capsule at a time.

After finishing up, I headed back inside, kicking the front closed behind me, and placing the Dirt Devil back into the front closet. I walked through the kitchen and grabbed a different kind of bottle from the top the fridge before making my way to the living room. I sat Indian style on my loveseat, placed the vodka bottle in lap, and unscrewed the cap.

I took in a deep breath of air and felt peace immediately. It was the smell of release. The smell of acceptance. And all I could do was smile.

This was how she felt. To know that the only person left on this earth that you could hurt was yourself and that, that was refreshing.

I stole a swig straight from the bottle, skipping the shot glass or the touch of Coke. I knew this was bad, that this was self-destruction, but I didn't care. Because as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

00000000000000000000000000000000000

See, I was going to make it relate to Twilight…just took me a little while.

Just in case your are interested, I recently wrote a one-shot for a series called Confessions of Sinner based on the Seven Deadly Sins with seven awesome ladies. My chapter is listed in my stories, but if you want to read them all there is a link on my profile AND I'm joining forces with another group of amazing authors for a story called The Path to Resistance. If you want to see who else is part of Team Epic come check out our page, also linked on my profile.


	12. Sedated

Ok, so how amazing are ya'll with the reviews. Seriously, I'm awestruck. Is it bad to propose marriage via A/N because I'm really considering it right now? I tried to reply to them all but I'm sure a few slipped through the crack, sorry. THANK YOU ALL!

Birdee, if it weren't for you my story would be a cluster of comma splices and other grammar terms I don't know. Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma, right? Not to mention, your little red comment bubbles always make me laugh. Thanks.

Music: "I Wanna Be Sedated"- The Ramones, "Kiss Off"- Violent Femmes, and "Where Is My Mind?"-The Pixies

Chapter 11: Sedated

I take 1 1 1 cause you left me and

2 2 2 for my family and

3 3 3 for my heartache and

4 4 4 for my headache and

5 5 5 for my lonely and

6 6 6 for my sorrow and

7 7 no tomorrow and

8 8 I forgot what 8 was for and

9 9 9 for a lost God and

10 10 10 for everything everything everything

Kiss Off- Violent Femmes

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I hadn't slept in days.

It wasn't like I didn't think I deserved sleep or that I was so emotionally torn up that every time I closed my eyes the bad dreams awoke me. No, that wasn't it.

There was no philosophical blunder haunting my brain or inner-emo chasing me around with Max Factor eyeliner and promises of trips to Gadzooks. Nope, not that either.

I wasn't sleeping because, let's face it, a hermit crab officially led a more hectic schedule. It's not like I pulled my house around with me when I had to go to work. Which, honestly I wouldn't mind. Then I would never really have to leave the couch. _Here's hoping_.

I spent the rest of the weekend after my trip to visit dad in my apartment. More specifically, my bedroom. I grabbed a bunch of food that required no refrigeration: Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos, pretty much the whole "tos" family, and rest of the liquor. I had a pack of Juicy Fruit gum in my purse, so I figured most of the basic food pyramid was covered. Well, at least it had fruit in the name. That should count for something.

The few times my eyes did close for more than twenty seconds didn't really count as a restful sleep either. Sleep and passing out weren't really equal. My eyes would open and I would be completely disoriented, usually half way off the bed or half way out of the shower. This time my feet were on my pillow and my head was resting on the footboard. It felt like my heart had taken a trip to the top of my head and was claiming its territory by hammering a little flag right behind my eyes, just pounding away. I felt around the bed for the roll of paper towels that I assumed I had been gnawing on because my mouth was so dry but could only find a the cool, smooth glass of an empty bottle. I put two cold bottles against my temples and sighed. _Much better._

Looking around the room, I did realize something. The booze had officially run dry. I didn't know how many bottles I started with or which bottles where half empty when I smuggled them into my bedroom, but I did know there was one bottle on the nightstand with a lampshade on the top and one bottle sitting on the window sill, which I stared at for a minute. I knew it was there for a reason, I just couldn't for the life of me remember why. I drug myself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, flicking the light on with my elbow. My hands, of course, were still occupied by holding the bottles against the side of my head like Frankenstein's bolts.

I finally put the bottles down because I needed to pee and trying to get my zipper down with my elbows didn't seem like a fun experiment at the moment. When I was done, I splashed some water on my face and popped a few Advil. When I was leaving, I noticed another empty bottle next to my shampoo bottle in the shower. This was kind of fun, like _Where's Waldo?, _only I was looking for Jose and Skyy.

I shuffled back into the bedroom, peeling off my clothes and throwing them into the now overflowing hamper. I mentally told myself I needed to do laundry at some point tonight. When I went back into the bathroom, I turned on the water and rummaged through the cabinet looking for a towel. My search turned up empty, so I decided to look in the dirty clothes pile, also known as my bedroom floor. The few towels I did find smelled worse than me, so they weren't helpful. I finally found a hand towel stuffed under the sink that I was pretty sure I used to scrub the sink. After examining it for a second and checking to make sure it didn't smell like Comet, I decided that was better than my other option, the hair dryer.

My shower was quick and hot. There were two pluses to scalding hot water. One, it would help extract the alcohol from my pores, and two, I wouldn't have to clean out my shower. Alcohol disinfects everything, right?

The small wash towel dried about half of my body, so I shook a few times and sent the remanding beads of water flying. I dug through the closet and my dresser for something clean to put on, but all I could find was a pair of spandex biking shorts which I hadn't worn since my cycling group, Ridin' Dirty, decided to change their route and no longer rode in front of the Second Street Bakery. Therefore, I decided that cycling wasn't as much fun without a double fudge brown and black coffee to go and took up speed driving to the bakery instead. Shoved in the bottom drawer was a 3XL t-shirt I was given by a local radio station, so I threw that on and glanced in the mirror. All I needed were some sweat bands, and I would like I was twenty years late for the Flashdance audition.

_Good thing a public appearance isn't in the works for today_, I said to myself right before the doorbell rang. Before I could reach the door, I heard a key turn and the lock open with a click. Rosalie stopped dead in her tracks as she saw me round the corner.

"Please, PLEASE, tell me that you are putting together your costume for Halloween for next year," she said with a chuckle.

I paused a few feet away from her and crossed my arms over my chest. "Laundry day."

"Well, when it comes time to do laundry again, don't waste your time washing those because the only place they belong are the bottom of your garbage can."

"I'll try to remember that," I replied. "Did you just rush here and break into my apartment to save me from performing a fashion faux pas? Were your spidey senses tingling? Was the smell of spandex burning your nose all the way at your apartment?"

Her eyebrows scrunched together as she shook her head. "No, but I'm pretty sure the smell of your house is getting me drunk. It reeks like a fraternity house after Homecoming in here."

"You would know," I mumbled.

"I heard that," she retorted and took a seat at one of the barstools. "Seriously, is Tara Reid your new roommate? What's with the bar funk smell?"

"I was cleaning the shower. It's probably from the disinfectant." Which wasn't totally a lie.

She squinted her eyes at me, exhaled loudly, and continued to look around the room.

"So you want to tell me how you got a key to house?" I asked.

Her head was turned so all I could see was the back, but her neck was strained to the right as she focused on something by the TV. She waved her hand dismissively over her shoulder. "Not important."

"Uh, pretty sure breaking and entering is important, that's why it's a felony."

She turned to face me and scoffed. "You gave Alice a key to your mail box so she could check it while you were gone, and your spare house key was on the ring too. I went by your office today to see if you wanted to grab lunch, but your boss said that you called in yesterday saying that you were going to stay another day because your dad was sick. I was just coming by to make sure everything was ok here before you got back. I honestly didn't expect you to be home. Is your dad feeling better?"

"Yeah. You know, he's been suffering from asshole-itis for the last couple of years but he had a real bad outbreak the other day. Nothing a few days without me around can't cure, though."

Rose got up and put her arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry, honey."

I shrugged. "I'm alright. I'm pretty sure it's not contagious so no harm."

"Bella," she started.

"Really, I'm good. I don't want to talk about it."

She pulled her arm away and put them both up in a form of surrender. "Okay." She walked over the table that the TV was on and grabbed a half-empty bottle of Malibu and lifted it up for me to see. "Looks like you left a bottle of disinfectant in the living room too."

I just rolled my eyes and walked to the refrigerator before she continued. "Let me guess, you don't want to talk about this either."

"Nope," I said while moving the bag of grated cheese around one of the shelves of the fridge. I was hoping moving it around might open some secret portal to Wal-Mart and I would miraculously have food. As of right now, my options were a butter and jelly sandwich on saltines or a bowl of crumpled graham crackers and some rather suspect milk. Shredded cheese out of plastic cup was sounding more and more appealing.

I eventually gave up and shut the door, revealing Rosalie standing behind it. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Um, I don't know. I'm trying out one of those new liquid diets. You know, like Slimfast." Still not totally a lie. I've drank a lot of liquids and I could have lost some weight. I didn't know for sure though. Getting on scale was the last thing on my mind.

"Fuck, Bella." Rose exhaled loudly while rubbing her eyes.

"What?" I asked. "You want me to eat something? Fine." I walked to a cabinet and grabbed a packet of microwavable macaroni and cheese. After pouring it into a bowl and, adding water, I popped it into the microwave and hit four minutes. "Happy?"

"Nope," she said popping her p mockingly. "When was the last time you left your house?"

"I just got back last night from my dad's, that's why I don't have any food or anything," I retorted.

"You are such a bad liar."

"You don't have to believe me."

She concentrated on me for a moment before walking around to sink and grabbing a bottle of 409 from underneath. "Good because I don't."

"Good," I snapped.

After spraying down the counter and the air around her, she looked at me again, "Good."

"What's with you?" I finally asked.

She continued to spray the air with the cleaner like it was an air freshener, periodically coating appliances as she passed. "What's up with you?"

"You can't answer my question by asking the same question back." I fisted the Malibu and reached over the ledge of the bar for a small plastic container.

"Nothing's wrong. I just came by to tell you that tonight…Bella, what the hell are you doing?"

"Huh?" My head was down while I counted out the Advil in my palm so when I looked up at her she was staring at me in horror. "I have a really bad headache." I glanced around the room for a cup but couldn't find one, so I took a large swig of the rum, popped the pills into my mouth, and swallowed.

"You can't take Advil with alcohol!" she almost yelled. "You're going to make yourself nauseous."

"This isn't my first time to the rodeo. It hasn't made me sick yet. I think the other meds cancel out the nausea."

Her eyes got wide. "What else did you take?"

I shrugged and she grabbed the box off the counter, popped the top, and rifled through the packs of pills. "This container is like Courtney Love's birthday present." Rose started to lift up boxes and bottles and read off names. "Tylenol PM, Unisom, Claritin, Benadryl, Sudafed, Simply Sleep. Please tell me you just took some Advil?" She closed her eyes, letting her head roll back. "Please."

"I can, but you said I'm a bad liar so-," I trailed off.

"Then what _did_ you just take?"

"A little of this," I said, raising my right hand. "A little of that," I said, raising my left.

Rosalie continued to watch the box like she was afraid I might to take it and run. "This isn't like you. You're not the type of person to pop pills."

"Apparently I should be," I mumbled.

She sighed. "What are you talking about? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's up?"

"Maybe I'm supposed to be one of those people." _At least that's what two men with PhDs think_, I thought. "And maybe I don't want your help."

"Honey," Rose exhaled.

I cut her off. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Like hell we aren't going to talk about it."

"Look Rose, I talk enough to Dr. Benson, and he knows I'm on medication." I'm starting to scare myself about how good I'm getting at this bending the truth thing.

She reached for my hand, but I moved it quickly and pretended to scratch my head. "He might be a doctor, but I'm your friend."

"And as my friend, I said, drop it."

She shook her head.

"Well, then I guess you can fight with the air because I'm going to take a shower."

"You already took a shower. Your hair is still wet."

"Maybe I want to take another one. I just got new grapefruit body wash. Better to smell like a fruit cocktail then a Margarita."

Rose rolled her eyes. "I'm not done, you know."

"I know," I replied. "Life would be too easy if you were."

The hug she gave me was tight and coated in pity. I would have told her to stop being my mom and treating me like one of those "sponsor a child" kids, but I didn't have the energy. After pulling away, she grabbed my face lightly. "Please get out of the house. Why don't you meet us for dinner tonight? Get some fresh air and a good meal."

I nodded, knowing that would be the only way she would leave. Her smile was genuine but concerned. Rosalie walked to door and turned around before she exited. "I'll text you the time and place later, ok?"

I nodded again. My head was starting to pound again, so the least amount of noise the better.

The door shut slowly and I was alone. I looked at the timer on the oven. Thirty minutes. Thirty more minutes until the dizziness and stomach cramping would stop. Thirty more minutes until everything set in. Thirty more minutes until I get to feel nothing.

*********************************************

I received a text around five stating that we were going to meet at Cork for eight. Cork was an Italian restaurant downtown that was known for its tomato and eggplant pasta and wide variety of wine. I figured the guys were coming and picked the place because it was right next door to Emmett's favorite bar, "He's Not Here." I also figured that Rose would be watching my alcohol intake so I decided to go to the restaurant around seven and do a little pre-gaming.

Another shower was in order, especially because I passed out on the couch, so my hair dried flat in the back and sticking up everywhere else.

I jumped in and out then a quick blow dry. I threw on a black/cream/grey dress that I bought for a company party a while ago and slipped into some flats. I glanced in the mirror.

_Good enough._

The ride was short, so I arrived an hour and fifteen minutes early and took a seat at the bar. My glass of Pinot Noir was good, but the three glasses of Chardonnay were better. I didn't know if the wine would sit well on an empty stomach, so I ordered a Tequila Sunrise…with two orange slices.

Alice and Jasper walked in right at eight and right as I was finishing my drink. We talked at the bar for a moment before the hostess came to show us our table. I waved Alice and Jasper on tell them that I wanted to pay for my drink but asked the bartender if I could keep my tab open and order my drinks through him. He obliged, and I scurried off to the table to order a water like a good little girl.

Emmett and Rose arrived separately but within ten minutes of one another. They were both bitching about work, but I had learned to tune that out a long time ago. I looked around the table, counting the people and chairs like Duck Duck Goose.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...and chair 6 was empty.

_Drats!_

I knew who was going to fill that seat, and unfortunately it wasn't a water fowl.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom," I said, hopping out of my seat before one of the girls could offer to join me or notice that I was slightly stumbling.

The bar, aka Ladies Room, fortunately was out of eyesight from the table. I leaned over the side and waved to get the bartender's attention.

"Shot of the best Bourbon you have and you can put it on my tab."

"Make that two," a deep voice echoed. "And it's on me."

I glanced over my left shoulder to see a slender man standing next to me. He was a few inches taller and a few years older with jet black hair that was dusted with strands of silver that sparkled in the harsh light. He was well groomed and not at all my type, but in that moment, I really wanted him to be.

"Hello," he stuck his hand toward me. "I'm Philip."

"Bella," I said taking his hand.

The bartender sat down two glasses and poured the amber liquid. I smiled, grabbed my glass and turned to Philip, who did the same. I lifted it slightly, "To you." He followed my lead again and we both took our sip.

"Thank you for the drink."

He nodded. "It's my pleasure. Long day?"

"Hmm," I grunted.

"Care to talk about it?" he asked.

I shook my head before patting his shoulder disappointinly. "Dang, I was really starting to like you until you said that."

A smile stretched across his face. "Then we don't have to talk. How about we just get another drink?"

"That just earned you a few brownie points, but I'm here with some friends and if I don't get back soon they might come looking for me."

"Shame," he mocked. "Left here to drink alone and I look like a sad, lonely man, but with you by my side, I would have been the envy of the room."

I started to chew on my lower lip. I should have rolled my eyes at the cheesy come on. I should have turned away and never looked back, but I couldn't. I was a new Bella, and new Bella meant new men. New men that drank whisky and wore navy suits and actually wanted me around.

"How about in twenty minutes I come back, and if you are still here, we can get that drink."

He tipped his newly filled glass to me and smirked. "I'll be waiting."

When I got back to the table I was happy to see that there were only four chairs occupied. They all looked up at me as I approached. I sat in silence while their chatter continued. I looked from my menu to the painting on the wall trying to figure out why anyone would want to frame what looked like a giant paint by numbers.

The waitress took my order, and I asked for a Gin and Tonic even though Rose clearly disapproved.

"Bella, do you think you should be drinking? I know that you weren't feeling well when I came by your house earlier."

"It has water in it, so I think I'll be fine."

Alice gave her a quick peek before speaking up. "Uh, I didn't know you were sick. Is that why you didn't go into work today?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh, well, do you think maybe you caught a cold or allergies, or maybe its stress?"

"Who knows, but I feel better now so that's a plus," I said while dipping my breadstick into the olive oil concoction on the table.

"Maybe you got what Edward had," Emmett spoke up, trying to fill the silence.

"Maybe," I replied. "Is that why he's not here?"

Jasper looked at his watch. "I don't know where he is. Hopefully his secretary passed on the message." He turned to Alice. "I'm going to try to call him. Be right back."

Seconds after Jasper walked away, the waitress brought my Gin and Tonic with a small red straw. The girls watched as I took a few baby sips.

"I missed you, Bella," Alice said reaching for my hand. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages. How was the visit to your dads? What's Maggie been up to?"

"Same ol', same ol'."

Jasper returned just as the silence was getting painful and the crickets started to chirp in my mind. "He's on his way. He said that he'll be here in about ten minutes."

"Hurray," I said into the straw of my drink as the liquor line continued to descend closer to the ice. A second later, everyone looked at me as they heard the sound of the straw sucking against the bottom of the glass.

"I think something's wrong with my drink," I said as I steadied myself and began to stand up.

"What's wrong with it?" Emmett inquired.

"It's empty," I announced sadly.

I pushed off of the table and leaned against the back of the chair for a moment. I didn't feel lightheaded until I stood up and started to walk.

"Bella," Rosalie said and started to get up too.

"I'm good. The cold medicine made me a little disoriented."

"Why don't you stay here and I'll get you something to drink," she continued.

"S' ok, I have a tab already." I put my shoulders back and walked slowly to the bar. As I started to round the corner, I saw Philip sitting in a black leather barstool talking to the new guy behind the bar.

He turned to me before pulling out a chair and tapping the seat. I sat down and pushed my empty glass toward the bartender. "Gin and Tonic."

"Back so soon?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I did promise you a drink, and my glass was empty. Two birds."

"One bottle," he added.

"Exactly."

I thanked Ray, the bartender, and fidgeted with the wood edge of the bar top.

We sat in silence for a minute before Philip finally spoke. "So, this whole no talking thing is harder than it sounds. How about if we talk, but just not about your bad day?"

"Fair enough."

The conversation was never heavy. We discussed the basic questions; job, movies, music, and briefly, relationships. He listened to Big Band music and secretly loved all Rock Hudson movies. He was newly divorced from his high school sweetheart. No kids. One pet. A fish named Pesce, which was Italian for fish. Of course, he was Italian. And, of course, I was currently sitting in his office.

"Well, it's not all mine," he continued. "My father started the restaurant after he moved here from Porto Cervo, but my brother and I run it. His passion is food, so he mostly stays in the kitchen. My passion is people, so I like to stay on the floor." He looked at my stunned face for a minute. "What?"

"Guess who the envy of the room is now?" I said pointing to myself.

Philip shook his head and lightly ghosted his finger along my jaw. "Never. Your hair is a more beautiful shade of chestnut then mine and your skin a more lovely cream then mine and your lips are a more inviting-"

Someone cleared their throat right next to us. "Bella, they brought dinner a few minutes ago. Would you like to come back and join us before it gets cold?" The voice was familiar but still unexpected. I figured someone would come get me when dinner arrived, but I didn't expect it to be Edward.

I looked at him while his eyes focused on Philip's. "Ok, I'm coming." Standing up was still a little hard, but Philip stood with me, holding my elbow. Edward reached out his arm and took my other elbow. I felt like I was the little red ribbon in the middle of a tug-a-war rope.

Philip quickly released me. "It was nice to meet you, Bella. I sure hope it was not the last."

"Would you like to eat with us?" I asked.

He lightly kissed both my cheeks. "Enjoy your dinner. Nothing is better than good company and good food." He leaned into my ear and whispered, "After dinner nightcap?"

I nodded and walked away.

"What was that?" Edward asked.

"Philip," I said cheerfully.

"I know who Philip is. Why are you hanging out with him?"

"I made a friend."

He stopped right before we reached the table. "Friend is not in his vocabulary."

"It doesn't sound like it's in yours either," I retorted and sat down.

We all ate dinner in silence except for a few moans of approval and offerings of bites from each other's plates. Almost all of the food was gone when the waitress approached with six Amaretto truffles and six large chocolate covered strawberries.

"We didn't order dessert," Jasper piped up.

The waitress looked at him. "Dinner and dessert have been taken care of this evening. Compliments of Mr. Rossi."

Alice and Rosalie's eyes lit up. "Well, I don't know who Mr. Rossi is, but I think I'm in love," Alice laughed.

I grinned. _Me too._

_0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

Please don't kill me over the Philip thing. He has a point, promise.


	13. Dig

Of course, thank you to all of you. Honestly, I have some of the best reviewers. It makes me so happy when I read how much you get these characters. You're awesome.

Birdee, you are the best. You make my hunk-a-junk story so much better. You're like the chocolate coating to my raisin so to speak. For that, I thank you.

Music: "This Scene is Dead"-We Are Scientist, "I'm Still Breathing"-Katy Perry, "Stupid and Shallow"- The Futureheads

000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Chapter 12- Dig

I'm still breathing

But we've been dead for a while

This sickness has no cure

We're going down for sure

Already lost a grip

Best abandon ship

I'm Still Breathing- Katy Perry

_Stop staring, you idiot._

When his eyes met mine, I tried to quickly turn my head the other way. Some how my brain messed up the signal and my whole body swung to the right, taking out a half eaten dessert plate, a full wine glass, and a candle holder. The wax splashed across the wine soaked table cloth while some sought higher ground on the top of my wrist.

Holy fucking shit balls, that's hot!

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly so no tears could leak out and started to violently shake my wrist back and forth. Within a second, someone steadied my hand and the rush of cool air tickled my hand. When I opened my eyes, Philip was gently blowing on my wrist.

"Better?" he asked, meeting my eyes again.

_Look. Away._

I started to move my neck…

_Slowly_, I added in my head. So, I did.

He lowered my arm to my lap. "Thank you," I said in a tone that matched my junior high blush and…giggle? Did I just giggle? Fuck, at this point, writing his name in bubble letters on my history binder would have been more subtle.

"My pleasure," he smirked, releasing my hand and ghosting his palm along my arm.

Holy fucking shit balls, now _that's_ hot.

"Thank you for dinner and dessert and the drinks. Wow, what a mooch I've been."

"Oh, but you've been a cute mooch." He brushed some hair behind my ear and used the opportunity to lean in closer and whisper, "And the sight of your lips around that strawberry was well worth the ruined table cloth and free meal."

I'm going to die, in this chair, of an over excited clitoris. I was pretty sure the throbbing between my legs meant my vajayjay was having a heart attack.

_Well, worse things could happen._

"Bella, are you ok? You have a weird look on your face. Are you going to be sick?" The sound of Emmett's voice was all the defibrillator I needed to bring me back to reality.

"Yeah…uh…yeah, fine."

"I'm guessing you're Mr. Rossi?" Alice asked. She angled her body so that she was facing Philip and me.

"Yes, but please, it's Philip." He extended his hand to hers. When she placed her hand in his, he kissed the top of it softly.

I heard Edward exhale loudly, and I imagined he was rolling his eyes while he did so.

"Edward." Philip nodded in his direction. "I didn't get a chance to say hello earlier. It's nice to see you again."

"Likewise," Edward mumbled.

I stood up next to Philip and introduced everyone at the table before introducing him. "Everyone, this is Philip. He's part owner of the restaurant."

"Have you two known each other a while, or is this just a recent thing?" Rose asked skeptically.

"We just met at the bar earlier tonight," I said.

"But I would love to get to know her better. I would love to know you all better," he added.

Edward made a gagging noise, and I looked at him. He coughed a few times before speaking. "Must have had some truffle stuck in my throat."

"Must," Jasper repeated mockingly, while nodding his head.

Rose grabbed her purse off the table and pushed her chair back, "I guess it's time to get going. I'm sure Philip is a busy man and needs to get back to work." Rose yawned a little into her palm. "It's starting to get late, too. We all have work in the morning."

"I'm not tired," I interjected, reaching for my drink that mysteriously moved across the table next to Rosalie.

Emmett's eyes got wide and he looked at Rose, pushing out his lower lip. He wanted to go to the bar next door. Rosalie wanted to take a bath and read a book.

"Rose, you came in a separate car than Emmett, so if you want to go home you can." I looked down at Emmett. "I'll walk next door with you, Em."

"Sounds good," he said, standing up and kissing his girlfriend on the cheek. "If you want to leave, Alice, I'll drop J off on my way home."

I turned to Philip while they tried to figure out driving arrangements. "I'm sure you have a lot to do around here, but maybe when you get off you can meet up with us?"

"I can do better than that," he smirked. "Give me a moment to tell Vincent I'm leaving and I'll meet you at the door."

I nodded as he leaned down to kiss my cheek again before walking away.

When I glanced back at my friends they were staring at me. "Philip's coming," I announced. I didn't know why I said it, it just seemed appropriate, like yelling "Uno!" or "Jinkies!" or "I'm screwing the prom king!". There was something about awkward silence; it just made me feel, well, awkward. In return, it made me say awkward things. Vicious cycle, I tell you.

I watched as Rose's face transformed from anger to a pout. "I…I thought we were hanging out tonight. You know, the three amigos. Just us chicas."

"Did I just miss something?" I asked. "Since when did you become Spanish, Rosalinda?"

Emmett was looking at Rosalie smugly. "Told you that Rosetta Stone was worth it."

She clenched her teeth together and stared at him. "Three hundred dollars just so you could learn dirty words in four different languages. Three. Hundred. Dollars."

He mumbled something before pulling Jasper's shirt and walking toward the front of the restaurant. I was curious why Edward didn't follow them, but I assumed this sudden telenovela was more interesting to him than whatever Pinky and the Brain were getting into.

"Look, I wasn't trying to start a fight or anything. I just thought you girls were going home and that it would be nice to hang out with someone new, but now I'm just sobering up and getting cranky. I either need another drink or some more of those chocolate amoretto thingies."

"Maybe you should just go home, Bella." Alice whispered. "Go get some good sleep."

"Don't think I listed that as one of my options. Liquor or liquor-filled chocolate. One of the two."

Edward stood and met my eyes. I could tell he wanted to talk, so I just shook my head at him. He sighed and turned toward the girls. "I'm going to find the guys. We will be next door so whoever wants to come can join us over there. Ok?"

"That's fine. I have to meet Philip at the front door right now anyways. We will be there in a minute."

Rose and Alice grabbed their purses from the back of their chair and followed Edward and me to the door. Emmett and Jasper were standing outside discussing something guy related I imagine when they saw us walk through the door.

Emmett kissed Rose softly. "I won't be out too late, baby."

"Well that's good. I have things to do in the morning."

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"I don't want to stay out late either. I was hoping to go to the gym before work in the morning." She put her arm around his waist and nuzzled under his arm.

He glanced over at me with a questioning stare. "Uh…ok. Good. Yeah, that sounds good."

"I can wait for Philip if you guys want to go ahead." I was excited about hanging out with my new friend and getting to spend some time with my old friends, but it seemed like I was the only one. I was hoping the girls would get well acquainted with a fresh drink before I brought Philip around again. A buzzed meet and greet was better than a sober one when it came to them.

"No need," a voice said from behind me. "I'm right ready to go." I looked over my shoulder at Philip and smiled.

Quoting the famous Tony the Tiger, I let out a sarcastic "Grrrrreat."

Luckily, we were able to take the ten steps to the bar without having to put a muzzle on Rose.

"I don't think she likes me," Philip whispered into my ear while nodding over to Rose.

"No, that's just her. She's like a Tootsie Pop, hard on the outside but soft and chewy on the inside. Just give her a few licks and you're golden". Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his smile broadening. "Not literally. Do I need to make you promise not to lick my friends?"

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder before he spoke again, "Well I can promise I won't lick your friends, but anyone else and that might put a damper on my plans for the night."

I felt my knees weaken, and I did a mental sign of the cross. I wanted to prepare myself; I had a feeling his guy might make me see God.

The bar was fairly empty, so we found a large horseshoe shaped booth in the corner. Of course in the order we all filed into the damn thing, I ended up being stuck in-between Edward and Philip. Not five minutes later, a cute girl came and took our drink order before scurrying off to the bar with Philip's credit card.

"You don't need to do that. After dinner and everything, I should be buying your drinks," I stated.

"Technically, the dinner was on my father so that is neither here nor there." His palm was resting on my thigh while his index finger drew circles on my knee. "You are proving such great company, paying for your drinks is the least I could do."

Edward snorted while crossing his arms over his chest and looking around the bar. When the waitress walked up and handed me a drink, I lifted my arm and brought it back down, "accidentally" hitting Edward in the stomach with my elbow.

"Ow," he yelped while rubbing his side.

"Sorry," I mouthed innocently before sipping on my drink.

Everyone at the table talked about work and weekend plans. Emmett was trying to convince Jasper and Edward to go on a fishing trip. Rose, on the other hand, wanted to have a spa day. I was surprised by how uneventful and calm everyone was being, but then again, it seemed like all the action was happening under that table.

As my drink got lower and lower, Philips hand got higher and higher. I wasn't complaining, though. It was just yet again another awkward situation, and I knew how I acted in those. On the left of me was the last guy I slept with, and on the right was the one I was hoping I would. As his palm brushed under the hem of my skirt, I fought back the urge to scream "Yahtzee!"

"So how do you two know each other?" Alice asked looking at Edward and then Philip. They both remained quiet for a moment, so I hummed the Jeopardy theme song while waiting for their answer.

Edward glared at Philip until he spoke. "An ex."

"Yes, an ex." Edward repeated and downed the rest of his Guinness.

"Well, that's…interesting." Jasper remarked. "Anyone need anything? I'm going to make a run to the bar." Edward held up his empty bottle and two fingers.

Guess he planned to get schnockered too. Good for him.

I peeked over at Edward while he twisted the bottle in hands. I was mesmerized watching his fingers wrap around the glass and spin the bottom of the bottle on the table. I followed his arm with my eyes up to his shoulder, neck, and then face. I watched as he scrunched his eyebrows together, deep in thought and concentration.

He had bags under his eyes that I had never noticed and his clover green eyes were more muted then normal. I knew that look. I was the master of that look. He was here, sitting next to me, but inside, he was far away.

I wanted to grab his hand. I wanted to ask him what was wrong. I just didn't think I wanted to hear the answer. He was disappointed in me. He was disappointed in himself. He thought he could fix me, and he failed. I failed.

Tomorrow, I would apologize. Tomorrow, I would tell him that it wasn't his fault. That you can't fix something that isn't broken. Because I wasn't. I was manufactured mishap. I wasn't broken, I was made this way.

"You want to get out of here. Go some place a little quieter," Philip murmured.

I turned towards him. "Yeah, sure."

"Well, it has been an honor to meet all of you, but I'm afraid I need to call it a night." He stood and took my hand, helping me out of the booth. When I finally got up, he put his arm around my waist, steadying me in the swaying room. "I hope to see you again real soon."

"Night guys. I'll call you tomorrow," I mumbled as we moved away from the table.

"Wait," Edward yelled. "Are you leaving too?"

"Yeah. We were going to go somewhere that was a little less Animal House."

"You think you should be driving?" Alice asked.

"I'm not. Philip is driving. And I'm sure he can drop me off at home. Right?" I looked over at him and he nodded. "I can just take a taxi to my car in the morning before I go to work. See, it's all planned out."

Rose moved to stand right next to me. "Bella, can we talk?"

"Now is not the time cause I'm seeing two of you and I'm pretty sure you don't have a twin."

She sighed and grabbed my shoulder, pulling me away from the group. "I don't think you should go."

"I don't think I care," I snapped.

"Ok, you are probably going to hate me and at this point _I _don't care, but I'm not letting you leave with him." Her eyes were hard and focused on me. "You're drunk and I'm not going to let you do something you're going to regret tomorrow."

I was concentrating so hard on her that I didn't notice Alice move next to me. "Bella, this isn't smart. He seems like a nice guy and all, but you just met. Maybe it would be better if you two got coffee tomorrow or something."

I stared past them as they continued to lecture on all the reason I shouldn't go with Philip. I knew they were trying to look after me, but what aggravated me the most was the fact that they thought so little of me. They thought I was going to go home with him. That I was going to jump in bed with the first guy who showed me attention.

I was finally brought back to attention when I heard Alice mention Edward's name. "Jasper has known him forever and he seems like a really sweet guy, so the fact that he has problem with him just sends off alarms in my head."

"Well, I'm glad you are keeping me away from Philip for Edward's sake," I mumbled.

"Stop with this 'woe is me' bullshit," Rose barked. "I know things really suck for you right now. That you are hurting in ways I will never fully understand, but we are trying to help you. So, if you don't want to listen to us then that's fine. It's your funeral."

The words slipped out so fast, Rose didn't even know she said them. I couldn't be mad; she was right. I had been digging my own grave for long time now. I was stuck at five and half feet just look for someone to hand me another shovel to finish the job.

I stood there and scratched my head for a minute. "You're right. You are completely, 110% right. So, I'm just going to do what I planned from the beginning and take my pity party elsewhere."

I turned to walk back to the guys when Alice reached out for me. "Bella…"

I cut her off. "No, really it's fine. It's not you, it's me."

"Are you…are you breaking up with me?" Alice asked, confused.

I shook my head no. "I think I'm breaking up with all of you. It's just for the better, you know. None of you need to deal with this right now." I waved my hand up and down my body. "I need to get my shit together. Maybe after I do we can be friends again."

I walked away without saying bye to anyone. I heard my name echo off of Emmett's lips as I moved the now crowded bar.

_Like a band aid_. _Quick and painless._

By the time I reached the door, I was crying what could only be vodka since I hadn't drunk water in four days. I was making my way back to the restaurant when I remembered that I was suppose to be leaving with Philip. I was going to wait by the curb for ten minutes. If he didn't show up, I was leaving. Sure enough, a minute later he was jogging over to me.

"Do you mind me asking what just happened? Your little friend…um…Alice, she just told me you dumped her. Is there something you didn't tell me?"

I put my head down, scratching my forehead in an effort to cover the tears forming in my eyes. "It's nothing. A long story."

"Well, why don't you wait here and I'll go get my car. We can go to my house and you can tell the long story over a midnight snack."

I nodded and he ran off to the car. He didn't live far from the restaurant ,so the ride was short, which was good. The silence just gave me more time to think about what had just happened. The more I thought, the more I hurt.

"There's no crying in baseball," I mumbled to myself.

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry. League of Their Own moment."

He cocked his head at me. "Uh, ok."

By the time we I was at his front door, I no longer needed him to hold me by the waist for support. I was still drunk, but the whole night had been a sobering experience.

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked.

"Water?"

He tossed me a water bottle from the fridge, and I took a seat on the couch. Soon after, he joined me with a plate of hummus and pita bread and bowl of grapes.

"Wow, your midnight snacks are so…healthy, and not at all involving Taco Bell or microwavable noodles." He pulled a large box from behind his back. Captain Crunch. He popped open the top and tilted it toward his lips. I watched as the small golden squares cascaded down into this mouth.

He handed me the box. "Better?"

"Much." I shook a few pieces of cereal into my hand before shoving them into my mouth.

"You have very beautiful lips. Full and," he leaned forward placing his lips against mine. "soft."

"Thank you," I blushed.

He moved closer to me, ghosting his palm along my outer thigh and up my side until he reached my head. He moved his hand until it was behind my head and tangled in my hair. Our legs were touching, so he moved his and grabbed my leg with his free hand, placing it on the couch. I was being gently lowered on my back as he moved over me.

The pressure of his weight was nice, exciting even. Maybe it was just the feel of something new that excited me.

As my head hovered above the arm rest, his lips crashed into mine again. This time it was wasn't a want, but a need.

Philip's mouth opened and I accepted the gesture, letting our tongues search for everything we desired.

His hand that he used to move my leg onto the couch started to work up my body. When I felt him reach the hem of my dress, I mumbled his name against his mouth. As it dipped underneath my skirt, I assumed he thought I moaned his name in encouragement so I said it again trying to get his attention.

His hand worked higher, getting awfully close to a place that was burning for his attention. It was battle for my heart's needs over my body's, and if he didn't stop then, my body's was going to win.

I pushed his shoulders back, lifting his face from mine. "Whoa, Nelly. We can't go there."

He lowered his head to my neck and spoke in between warm kisses. "Why not? I want to. I know you want to. I don't see the problem."

My neck was wanted to move to side to give him better access, but I held it still. "I do want to, just not tonight."

His hand started to massage my thigh. "Just relax and enjoy this. You need some well deserved attention."

Philip's hand started to feel heavier and coarser as fingered the edge of underwear. Both of my hands flew up to move his shoulders again. "Please."

He released the back of my head, letting it fall back and hit the arm rest, and grabbed one of my wrists tightly. He used his other hand to squeeze my thigh with the same force.

"Ouch. Shit. That hurts, let go."

His hand that was on my leg grabbed my other wrist and he brought them both together to meet above my head. He moved his knee to push my legs father apart. "You don't want me to stop. You just don't me to think you're easy, that you put out on the first date."

Both of my wrists were now bound by one of his large hands. He held them tightly together and stretched my arms farther away from my body so that my whole upper half couldn't move. I could feel my fingers starting to tingle like they were falling asleep.

"Look Casanova, don't go getting all America's Most Wanted on me. Haven't you ever heard 'no' means 'no'." I don't know why I thought talking and reasoning with him would work, but the only other thing I could think to do was scream and that didn't seem logical.

His grip around my wrist tightened and I winced. He moved his tip of his index finger along my jaw and lips. "You've just had too much to drink. I saw how you were looking at me. How you were acting. Don't play all innocent and coy now."

Philip grabbed at the strap of my dress and jerked it down, exposing part of my bra. I wiggled my hips, trying to get loose from under him. He smiled and kissed my collarbone.

"Someone's getting anxious," he breathed.

_God how I wish I had a stapler. _

Then a light bulb went off. I moved my leg slightly so that I could place my foot on this calf and started to rub it with the arch of my foot. I exhaled a few moan and even whispered his name for added effect. When I felt his body loosen some around me, I continued to rub my foot up leg until my knee was against his back. In one swift motion, I lifted my leg, putting all my force into the act of nailing him in the balls.

He immediately went into the fetal position and fell off the couch. I watched him squirm around on the floor with his hands between his legs for a second before he started to scream at me.

"What the fuck? You stupid bitch, get the fuck out of my house."

"Gladly," I replied. Leaping off the couch, I made sure I stepped on his leg as I walked away.

When I got outside, my body and my brain finally got in sync. My hands were shaking and my wrists were throbbing as mascara tinted tears ran down my face. I looked for my car before remembering I didn't drive. The restaurant wasn't far and I could have walked, but I was afraid I might run into Rose or Alice and that was the last thing I needed right now. I grabbed for my cell phone, called a taxi, and then walked to the corner of Birch and Downey where I told the guy I would meet him. Apparently, crying on the phone makes them get to you faster because ten minutes later I was in a cab on my way home.

The shaking had stopped by then, but the bruising was starting to show. Both of my wrists had two finger-sized marks and my right inner thigh had a large round bruise. The next week would be full of long-sleeved shirts and pants.

The cab idled outside of my townhouse, so I hopped out, paid and thanked the driver. I searched for my keys as I walked up the path to the door. As I went for the doorknob, I felt someone grab my shoulder and I jumped.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you. I called your name, but I guess you didn't hear me."

I turned around and saw Edward looking at me apologetically.

"Yeah, I didn't hear you. I didn't expect you to be here." I squinted my eyes. "What exactly are you doing here?"

"I was in the neighborhood?" he said more as questions than a statement. I continued to wait for the real answer. He sighed. "I've been waiting in my car to make sure Philip brought you home safely."

"That's kind of creepy."

"I didn't plan on getting out and talking to you, but when I saw you get out of the cab I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm good, just tired. It's been a long night so I think I'm going to go to bed."

As I moved to face the door he grabbed for my wrist. "Bella."

I sucked in a deep breath of air as the pain of his touch rushed through me. His fingers barely caressed my yellowed skin before he dropped my hand immediately.

"Shit. I'm doing everything wrong tonight. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry," he pleaded.

I shook my hand and took my wrist into my other hand, willing the ache to go away. "No need to apologize. _You_ didn't hurt me."

He stiffened. "Did…did he hurt you? Let me see your hand."

"He didn't do anything. My body is just sensitive from the lack of nonalcoholic beverages and unprocessed food."

"Let me see your hand," he demanded through clenched teeth.

"I'm so not in the fucking mood for this," I replied as I opened the door and moved inside. Before I could turn around to close the door, Edward was following me in.

"Well, you need to get in the fucking mood cause I'm not leaving until you show me your hand."

"Then I'll call the cops."

"Good. Then while they're here, you can show _them_ your hand and see what they think."

I opened the door and pointed outside. "Leave." He took a seat the counter. "Now." He crossed his arms over his chest.

I sighed and closed the door, flipped on the lights to the living room, and went back to the kitchen. I stood right in front of Edward and put my hands over my face so that I couldn't see him. My wrists were now eye level with Edward.

"There, you saw," I mumbled into my hands. "Please go." My voice was barely audible, but even I could hear the tone of defeat.

"Bella," he said, grabbing my elbows to lower my hands from in front of my face. "I'm going to ask you this one more time and whatever answer you give me, I'll accept. Did he do this?'

I knew I could be a crummy person sometimes, even a bitch and a smart ass, but I didn't like to be a liar. And I really didn't want to lie to him. So, I pled the fifth. I just stood there and didn't say anything.

He started to rub the bridge of his nose. "Jesus Christ, Bella. Did he do anything else? Did he make you-" He stopped his question because I'm sure he didn't want to know the answer.

"No, we didn't have sex. I left before it got that far."

"You need to call the cops. They need to know what happened."

I shook my head. "The only thing that needs to happen right now is a shower."

"I'm going to kill him," Edward murmured.

"No, you're going to go home and go to sleep. It's way to late too contemplate murder."

He was staring blankly at the wall behind me shaking his head. "I knew he was going to do it," he said. "I knew and I let you go. I let him hurt you."

"You didn't let him do anything. I'm the one who led him on all night. If it's any one's fault-" I stopped when his head snapped in my direction.

"Don't you dare take the blame for him. The guy you flirted with, the sweet, charismatic guy from the restaurant is just a mirage of the asshole that is Philip Rossi. He seems like a breath of fresh air in a stale room. Many, many people fall for it."

"I have a feeling you are speaking from experience."

He grunted. "I wish Rossi would touch me. I would love an excuse to hit him back," he seethed. "We meet at the Mayor's dinner last year. My girlfriend at the time came with me but left with him. I assumed she and Philip were happy because I never heard from her again. About a month later, I ran into her at the grocery store. She told me the other morning she had woken up, and Philip was gone. He didn't answer her calls, didn't answer the door to his house. She was worried something happened, so she went by the restaurant and saw him cozied up with some other girl at the bar. I saw the marks on her arms and shoulders. I didn't want to believe they were from him, but I knew better." He fixated his stare on me again. "I was hoping you would listen to Rose and Alice. I'm so sorry."

"There is really no need to apologize." I brought my arm up and twisted it so I could examine it better. "It looks a lot worse than it really is."

He stood in front of me and whispered, "You don't always have to be so brave on the outside." Edward took a step around me and disappeared into my bedroom. I didn't move but continued to look at where he was just standing. I wasn't brave. I was numb. Completely void of anything. I wanted to scream, but there was no sound. I wanted to hit, but there was no impact. I wanted to feel.

A few minutes later he appeared back in front of me. "I'm going to go, but I started the shower for you. I really hope you consider talking to the police. It might make you feel better to let them take care of some of your stress."

I went to nod my head and pat his shoulder, but somehow I ended up tilting my head and kissing him. My heart had told me the right thing to do at Philip's, so I had no reason not to listen to it now.

Edward moaned softly when we touched, and I hoped he couldn't taste Philip on me. I went to take a step closer when his hands went to my waist, holding me still.

"I…we can't do this, Bella. You aren't thinking straight right now."

"I don't need to think." I got on my tippy-toes to kiss him again, but he jerked his head back.

"You most definitely need to think about this. There are irrevocable consequences. Your mind is not the right place to make a decision of this magnitude."

I dropped down so that I was flat on the floor again and took a step back from him. "So wait, that whole 'Don't think. Feel.' crap only applies when you're trying to get into my pants?"

"I…I've never just tried to get into your pants."

"Well, my pants beg to differ. Twice."

"I've had to live with the consequences of that everyday. I've lost you as a patient, and more importantly, a friend because of the actions that I chose."

He stopped to run his hands through his hair, so I took the opportunity to continue for him. "And you regret every minute of it. You wish you had never done it. Blah. Blah. Blah. You've already told me this. You're no better than Philip. When its your need that you want meet, you'll spout off any bull shit line to make it happen."

"You know that's not true, Bella."

"Then kiss me, Edward. Do it for me. Let me feel something." I walked to him again and pulled his face down to mine, but this time when our lips touched, his were in a tight line.

"I can't," he whispered. "I can't do this to you. It's not fair."

And there it was. The last shovel I needed to finish my hole.

"Get out," I spat.

"Please, let me explain," he begged.

"Get out," I said louder.

"Bella, I…"

My body was shaking and tears were forming and if he didn't get out of my house, I was going to force him out.

I steadied myself and looked him directly in the eyes. "Leave my fucking house and never come back."

He watched me for a moment before nodding and walking out. I didn't lock the door. I didn't turn off the light. I just floated my way through my room into my bathroom. The shower was still running and candles were lit on the edge of my tub and sink.

I shed my clothes quickly before crawling into the shower, immediately sinking down the ground and letting my head fall back. The steam billowing from the opening above the shower told me the water was hot and I could tell from the sound of the streams of water hitting the tile wall that it was on full blast. To me though, there was still nothing. But then again, I guess it's hard to feel the rain from six feet under ground.

0000000000000000000000000000000000

Ok, I know this chapter might make me lose a few readers, but it has been planned since the beginning so I wasn't going to change it. The stuff that happens to Bella, unfortunetly happens to people everyday. I'm not trying to glorify it, I'm trying to show how she deals with it. Thank you again for all the people who have been so supportive, especially those who have told me their own personal Bella stories.


End file.
